Email to:The Seat Of Shorthorn: Democracy’s Shame!
DON’T dare tell me this is a Democracy……..
Not when millions of law abiding, line dancing country people are denied a basic right – to exciting, even mildly interesting, elections.
This Saturday will be NO different.
Take for example the seat of Shorthorn……….
Shorthorn constituents - ‘we pay our bloody taxes’ will be, as per usual, shouting ‘BOUT TIME at tellies when Kerry O’B or Antony G deign mention that sitting member Murray Grey (Nat) has defied Science, God and a local locust plague to be returned for the 19th time with an increased majority of 98 percent.
[Door knocking in the seat of Shorthorn - cr: Robert Scarth: flickr]
This time though, it was Murray’s personal crusade – for community fundraising barbeques serving local roadkill, that really resonated.
[KO'B] And what’s that up on the tally board? Something new! Antony?
Indeed Kerry. This is the first time since Federation that the Greens have fielded a candidate in the seat of Shorthorn. Jacinta Buckley is an organic truffle grower. She moved to Shorthorn last week with her Immigration lawyer husband, Jeremy. Jacinta’s picked up 000000000000.4% with a couple of truffles still unaccounted for.
And Labor?
Indeed Kerry. This is the 16th time the sole Labor councillor in the electorate of Shorthorn, sewage plant middle manager, Will Power, has contested Shorthorn.
As usual, he’s run on his ‘ Meet The By-Pass Man’ slogan. Will wants 23 By-Passes built in Shorthorn by the turn of the century and he wants local hospitals to do By-Passes so people feigning heart attacks will stop using the Flying Doctor Service for shopping excursions……
Will always picks up about 0.0000007% and it’s NO different this time……
Indeed Antony. And we’ll leave Shorthorn at that…..
So, come Saturday when you’re connnected to plasma drips and tellies feeling important because Kerry and Antony are close to self-combustion when YOUR seat comes up for scrutiny for the 124th time, spare a thought for the people in Shorthorn - forlorn, forgotten…….
*Just quietly though, word is that Will Power’s traditional election night DEFEAT party is a ripper!
*******************************************
So, I trust you’re all itching for an exciting week….Gwennie is. She’s predicting a colossal swing to Labor of 0.000000002 percent in her shorthorn seat of Riverina. Good luck Gwennie!
*KJ’s Poll Week Pro-Democracy Week Cover*
Continuous coverage all week from kerriejean.com’s diplomatic & political correspondent, Under The Table Top Man (UTTTM).
[Cr Trevor Coultart: flickr]
UTTTM has been under the table where and when it’s counted – the Treaty of Versailles, Mark Latham’s fortieth, Kevin Rudd’s gall bladder surgery, Ikea’s Spring catalogue launch……..
AND he’ll be under the table for you all this week.
So, follow UTTM’s under the table reports right up to and including Poll Day 2010 (in comments section).
And, of course, your world doesn’t stop while ‘Australia Decides’. On the contrary. So, please report in with news from your patch. It really is important – to me (and my bosses).
Poignant memories of country elections past would not only be welcomed but treasured……
Just click on the ‘comment’ thingo and following the simple instructions. The place to write your gems is at the bottom of the last published comment. *A little bit of counsel for people new to this caper. Your email (just called ‘mail’ in this case) address does NOT come up on site. And just ignore the URL thingo.
Prawn Cutlet Award
August 16th, 2010 at 2:00 pm
Forget about these stupid polls and so called focus groups.
What we need is TV sets that listen to us and relay our shouted comments to the pollies.
If your TV could repeat back your messages to the screen what would it say? MIND YOUR LANGUAGE?
Much better than loaded forums and Q&A.
Then again, a growing proportion of people think that the TV is not only listening to them, but WATCHING as well.
Dear Chadwick,
I NEVER scream at my telly. I’m scared it would leave me. KJ.
August 16th, 2010 at 3:16 pm
Well, it’s good to know that truffle grower, Jacinta, actually moved to Shorthorn last week . . .
Local media last week reported that the Family First candidate for Riverina would only stand for the seat provided she remained in Sydney, didn’t have to campaign/make speeches – or even appear in the electorate!
And FF wants us to take them seriously as a political party?
I’m thinking some of those Murray Greys are looking a better voting option this time around.
Apart from their belching . . . at least they live here!
Dear Palm Avenue,
Did I read this correctly….?
A potential candidate announcing she’ll run on the proviso that her presence in the electorate consist of a PO Box…?
A clever campaign strategy, perhaps?
Obviously a woman prepared to put HER family first, even ahead of commonsense.
*You may be interested to know that I’m targetting the President of the Leeton Musical & Dramatic Society position. I will be returning to contest what will be a hard fought thing.
KJ.
August 16th, 2010 at 5:51 pm
I mean is this the craziest election campaign ever?
Mark Latham as Richard III, Julia Gillard as Elizabeth I, Tony Abbott as Prince Machiavelli, Bob Brown as St Francis talking to Brother Sun and Sister Moon.
Last night on Channel Nine we had the Winter of Discontent from Mark, and today the redheaded Leader said:
‘Better beggar woman and single than Queen and married.
I know I have the body of a weak and feeble woman, but I have the heart and stomach of a king, and of a king of England too.’
Where’s the Under The Table Top Man?
Dear The Dude,
Under The Table Top Man reports in when he’s got something important to say. He was under the podium today at THE launch but refused to file. KJ.
August 16th, 2010 at 6:36 pm
I wish I lived in a marginal electorate.
Every joint I’ve ever resided in has been a hotbed of inner city leftyism or an outpost of bull-necked countrypartyism…
If I’d never fronted at a polling booth in my life it wouldn’t have made an iota of difference.
How nice it must be to watch the campaign coverage and listen to the promises and think ‘It’s all about me.’.
Dear Roma Street,
I read your story very differently.
Congratulations!
You exercise your franchise every time the privilege is extended. You don’t stay in bed on polling days AND you don’t get fined.
I’d like to see Roma Street featuring in the Electoral Commission’s public information campaign, 2013. KJ.
August 17th, 2010 at 1:46 am
UTTTM NEWS
So hard have I been working…..
1. Under Julia: I cannot move down here for toppers of dye bottles, crumpled pix of John Curtin and Gough.
Also maps of Queensland – 24 hours to Tulsa, three to Kingaroy.
I see freckled shins and stilletos a tapping. Yes she is a genuine red head, a ranga all the way.
2. Under Tony: Boy, it is like being under River Dance. Those skinny legs and massive feet missed my nose by a whisker. He drops the daks for a sneaky pee between breaks. Must be a bike trick.
3. Under Bob: Went to sleep. Then realized I do not have the apnoea. He does.
4. Under Uncle Mark: Welcome to Fartworld. I mean when he is not cursing, what the heck is this guy eating?
Keep cool. UTTTM.
August 17th, 2010 at 9:34 am
Dare I ask now? Can you call it KJ?
Dear The Lonely Scholar,
Yes you may. And no I can’t…….
THIS is too darn close – I spend my days overlapping maps of re-drawn electorates, clicking obsessively on Antony’s pendulum, ringing Gwennie to make sure she hasn’t self-combusted……and I’m still not ready to do the traditional ‘KJ Call’……except, of course, for the seat of Riverina. Taking that off the Nats would be akin to me getting up tomorrow and finding I’ve got strong and straight teeth.
…..Another potential factor. I’m still not convinced that a ‘game changer’ won’t be lobbed into the beautiful campaign pond in the next day or so. If so, it’ll be of a dramatic nature…….and that’s putting it lightly…..
As UTTM counsels: Keep Cool…..
KJ.
August 17th, 2010 at 3:59 pm
Speaking of Murray Grey, I saw in the SMH the other day that our former local state member Adrian Cruickshank had passed away.
I had always taken him for a run-of-the-mill tweed-jacketed chipkicker, but according to his obituary he was a man of considerable personal culture.
So how he ended up in the Country (Nat) Party is anyone’s guess.
Dear Roma Street,
I saw the obit as well. Mr Cruickshank was described ‘as his own man’ and he certainly fitted the bill.
He appears to have done good work BUT he did cause great consternation in Leeton when he refused to prop up the flailing Letona Cannery – and the rest, they say, is canned history.
As you’d be aware ‘we’ve’ had – over the years – a few Nats making surprise appearances in our family.
They go to concerts, obey the road rules and are certainly more sophisticated cooks than me……
I……….love them, I guess. THERE, I SAID IT!
* Chipkicker? Yet again, you’ve gazumped me.
KJ.
* Read more about the former Member for Murrumbidgee’s contributions…..
http://www.brisbanetimes.com.au/national/obituaries/farmer-and-politician-who-went-his-own-way-20100630-zmo5.html
August 17th, 2010 at 6:56 pm
Under The Table Top Man News
Under Barney: Lots of chicken poop, enough cattle dung to make you whoop, sheep droppings too (kerchooo….)
Under The Rev Kev Ruddster: Squeaky clean, most hygienic floor I ever done see, not a sign of hate or love, not the slightest Leak from Above.
Under good ole Bob Katter: Lots of clatter, spurs a-gleamin’.
Keep cool. UTTTM.
August 18th, 2010 at 3:18 am
UTTTM News
I am under Tony’s Table and also moonlighting for a new program ‘Thirty Economical Minutes……’
Alas, I have been buried under a nest of teleprompter cables that threaten to electrocute me.
I am also being smothered by a tome: ‘Instructions from Rupert’. And another book, ‘How to Make a Speech at a Baptism with Useful Latin Phrases’.
Next table is pristine underneath apart from a book: ‘Elizabeth I, Virgin Queen’.
Keep Cool. UTTTM.
August 18th, 2010 at 10:55 am
KJ – chipkicker is is merely a genteelised version of shitkicker.
In some parts of the world, chiefly the US, dried bovine leavings are referred to as cow chips.
Why thank you Roma Street,
I didn’t know I came from a long line of chipkickers. Always thought something was ‘missing’. All fixed! KJ.
August 18th, 2010 at 4:06 pm
The UTTTM News
There is a small commode in the corner, and I dare not get under it. I think it is for former prime ministers.
Next to it is a sign:
EVERYTHING MUST GO, EVERYTHING MUST GO!
…..TELL ‘EM THE PRICE SON. TELL ‘EM THE PRICE SON. TELL ‘EM THE PRICE SON……..
Keep Cool. UTTTM.
August 18th, 2010 at 4:16 pm
Well, Roma Street, in an earlier life even Adrian Cruickshank was a farmer (of pigs) up towards Rankins Sprinks, as I recall . . .
His ascendancy through Young Country Party state presidency and involvement in local politics led to a minor schism in Murrumbidgee electorate party activities back in the early 1970s – the reasons are currently under a 50 year embargo – yet, Adrian did go on to an active though unspectacular career as an MLA for some time.
I think his activities overseas, in relief and charitable work, are most commendable, however.
Mind you, I still have a soft spot for Leeton’s own Lin Gordon MLA who lived around the corner from us.
His wife, Merle, long since gone to the Great Opera House in the sky, used to entertain all of us on the block with renditions of arias / choruses from current Musical and Dramatic Society productions at the showground hall.
Visiting the Gordon’s kids, Kim and Chris, was always a treat – if the TV wasn’t working, Merle would belt out another tune to stave off the boredom!
Should I alert the current Executive of the M&D Society that KJ may be staging a challenge to the status quo?
Julia and Kevin’s late June shenanagans in Canberra might pale into insignificance should KJ announce her candidacy for this prestigious local position!
Palm Avenue – don’t worry, the M&D folks will know when I’m movin’ in……they’ll hear me a-comin’!
‘Well, my mother was frightened by a shotgun they say, that’s why I’m such a terrible shot….I’ve been out in the cactus and I practise all day – AND now tell me what have I got….?
(Basically, NOTHIN’ – so let’s not make it any harder).
You may be interested to know I have an ashtray with the insignia: Lin Gordon, Member For Murrumbigee, MLA.
A gracious man with a very glam family – and the best (VERY sophisticated) 1950’s bungalow in the whole of the Riverina……
KJ.
August 18th, 2010 at 10:26 pm
UTTTM News, Brisbane
My God, a love note under the Brisbane Forum Table Top.
‘I’m worried, Tony. RSVP.’
‘So am I Jules. Bobbie has us both by the balls.’
Keep Cool. UTTTM.
August 19th, 2010 at 2:42 am
UTTTM NEWS
Under Bobbie The Greenie’s Table.
Nothin’ but a Field Marshal’s baton…..
Keep Cool. UTTTM.
August 19th, 2010 at 3:59 pm
UTTTM News:
OK, you read it here first folks.
……A swing TO Labor.
Pundits eat your heart out.
A swing to Julia, Queen of the Desert.
Why?
Under the Table Top I find 36 packets of ‘No Doze’ for Tony Ab-Do-Man.
36 (sleeples) Hours to Tulsa.
It takes a worried man to sing a worried song.
Cactus.
You read it first here chaps and lasses.
A swing to Labor.
Keep Cool. UTTTM.
August 20th, 2010 at 12:38 am
UTTTM NEWS:
I have escaped to a small place beneath a tombstone.
But no rest……
I look up to find the Abbott with a shovel.
‘No sleep. I must dig. I must dig.’
If the corpses vote, I could be wrong.
I still say, Swing to Labor.
Keep Cool. UTTM.
August 20th, 2010 at 11:47 am
Well, KJers . . .
This election appears to be on a knife-edge if the pundits are to be believed!
Tony ‘No-Doze’ Abbott is scaring the electorate with unannounced, pre-dawn appearances in the streets as the minutes count down to the opening of polling booths.
Julia, too, seems intent on presenting a brave face in spite of this morning’s appalling opinion poll results.
One would think that ’stopping the boats’ would have limited appeal at Lake Wyangan but would probably be a sensible precaution to take at Yanco Weir.
So what are we all to make of the policy free-zones, real and phony personas (has anyone been able to keep track?) and dubious election costings on both sides?
Perhaps, all of us KJers should head down to the Mia Club tomorrow evening – providing it’s open, of course – and have our own little KJ post-election party. I’m not sure going over the entrails of the five week campaign would necessarily be helpful; but at least we could drink ourselves silly depending on which party is successful.
And we’d need to collect Gwennie on our way . . .
If Abbott is successful, I’m guessing that she’ll probably be leading the drinking charge towards oblivion!
Dear Palm Avenue,
How wonderful to hear from you in what has been a most difficult time.
At Gwennie’s place they’re NOT trying to stop the boats – they’re trying to STOP Gwennie – from self-combusting. My eldest sis is armed with a fire extinguisher and a half scotch and water but Gwennie will not desist.
There’s an added complication – Gwennie is crazy for the Swans and they’re going round as well.
I’ll be in the seat of Sydney tomorrow – I’m on standby to fly to Leeton on Sunday if Gwennie needs talking/hosing down.
She is a passionate woman of passionate beliefs and for that we are grateful UP TO the point where the Sanity Line is threatened.
God Bless You Palm Avenue.
God Bless Gwennie…..
God Bless Australia…….
KJ.
August 20th, 2010 at 2:47 pm
UTTTM NEWS:
It’s a landslide!
Found under Tony’s Table:
(a) a Taser Gun borrowed from his 36-hour ‘Sleepless in Seattle’ visit to the cops and (b) a Roget’s Thesaurus with choices circled : Work CHOICES:
Option, alternative, preference, pick, variety, diversity, catalogue.
Keep Cool. UTTTM.
August 20th, 2010 at 6:21 pm
Where? Why? How?
Trusty journalism skills in big demand tomorrow.
Dear The Lonely Scholar,
I knooooooooow…….!
Never fear though, I have my flap jacket, taser gun and microphone at the ready with just one aim: ‘Mr and Mrs Truth, I know you’re in there somewhere, I’ve got you surrounded – come out!!!!!!
Stand by. KJ.
August 20th, 2010 at 11:19 pm
A new parlour game for Leetonians – Six Degrees Of Lin Gordon.
As I might have mentioned before, my family was heavily involved in the trots, both in the breeding side and the club, so Mr Gordon (also heavily involved in the trots, to the extent of getting the track named after him) was a pretty regular visitor to both my grandparents’ home and our plum on-the-fence-near-the-winning-post pozzy at the trots.
I recall little about what he might have said on such occasions, but I do remember thinking he was of a different grade of general polish and urbanity from my own adult male relatives.
Without wishing to besmirch the recently departed, I’ll also thrown in the just-remembered little plum that a fairly widely used nickname around Leeton for the late Mr Cruickshank was ‘Adrian Quickwank’.
As for the election – I fear the worst. I fear that Julia, or whichever trained monkey was advising her, has committed a monumental blunder on the last day of the campaign by switching to a fairly desperate-sounding fear-based attack on Abbott.
When you have very recently (and fairly unpopularly) deposed a sitting PM in the firm conviction that you’re the better ‘man’ for the job, it needs to be all about you, not all about the other side.
Dear Roma Street,
Ah, those balmy nights at the Lin Gordon Paceway. Hec worked on bookie Jack Cassidy’s stand – and, for a time, he took it upon himself to get his own bookie’s licence. Very nerve racking for us all and, as it turns out, for very good reason…..
Love your young ‘instincts’ about our Member for Murrumbidgee: ‘I do remember thinking he was of a different grade of general polish and urbanity from my own adult male relatives…..’
Let’s not forget that before Lin went into politics, he had a pharmacy in Pine Avenue. It was a lovely dispensary – very chic.
So, here’s to the Gordon family – Leeton sophisticates of the highest order.
I believe Lin has retired to Wagga.
KJ.
August 20th, 2010 at 11:23 pm
UTTTM News
‘Tis all over.
Work Cheeses……
You can smell them at sock level
Keep Cool. UTTTM.
August 21st, 2010 at 6:32 am
UTTTM NEWS
As dawn breaks over the Nation I crawl over a bottle of VSOP Napoleon, contraceptives, parliamentary superannuation minutes and a copy of Cooking With Tony (published 15 minutes ago) to declare:
LANDSLIDE TO LABOR.
Keep Cool. UTTTM.
August 21st, 2010 at 8:57 am
UTTTM News:
The Coalition has leaped to $2.50 in the betting with the news that the Leader has invaded a police station seeking information about a youth hang at Mackas. The Leader inspected a laser gun and donned a vest.
Am I dreaming this?
Keep Cool. UTTTM.