Email to:Well Hung In Camelot!
Dearie me, plug those kerfuffle valves, mercy mercy, mercy…….Serenity Now!
For before us - and particularly for *Gwennie – these will be the most difficult of days…..
Personally, I haven’t been as fraught since I was thrown out of the Roxy Theatre in 1974 with my date – a Yanco Agricultural High School Rugby League superstar.
The crime?
Multiskilling. Watching ‘The Godfather’ and having a quick grope while being under the official insidious Nanny State ‘The Godfather’ viewing age of 18.
Pathetic, unfair, criminal. [As if Gwennie would have wanted to be provide 'grope parental guidance' (GPG), as if!]
Anyway, now is now…… and Red N’ Ready and Mr Ab-Do-Man have got three horses’ heads in their beds: those of Messrs Katter, Windsor and Oakeshott.
And make no mistake, everybody in rural Australia wishes that Bob (Seat of Camelot 1), Tony (Seat of Camelot 2) or Rod (Seat of Camelot 3) was their rep.
[Camelot: The hottest seat in town. Cr: Ken McCown: flickr]
So much so that last night I dreamt that Bob The Kat - the man with the glorious Future Shock of hair that The Mousse Man, Mr Tim Mathieson, will surely be working on by 2pm today – was the Independent for Riverina.
In my dream, I was head of the ’The Ministry Of Fear’ – dispatched by Red N’ Ready and Mr Ab-Do-Man to find out what Bob The Kat’s demands were for the seat of Camelot 1.
This is what he told me:
‘KJ, of all the places in Camelot 1, I love the Leeton the mostest…..
Chockablock with good, fine people…….
Tell Red N’ Ready and Mr Ab-Do-Man that this is what they demand, what they deserve……..
NOT to be given fast broadband but for everyone to BECOME Very, Very, Very Fast Broadband……
Babies delivered at Leeton Hospital will have access to the latest technology as their birthright………
A keyboard surgically attached to their tummies which will receive signals from a base station at Grong Grong….
Leeton will be the first rural community on the Pacific Rim where everyone’s middle name will be their Broadband signal…..
For example: Cory Grong Grong 34567 Dodds, Sarah Grong Grong 34897 Morgan.
Because everyone in Leeton IS Very, Very, Very Fast Broadband, life will change KJ – for the very, very, VERY betterest….
Mass at St Joseph’s? Two minutes with communion, 45 secs without. Aussie Rules games? One quarter. NO time on. A typical date with a crumbed king prawn cutlet supper? Forty five seconds with tartare sauce, 29 without. Intimate conjugal activites? Four seconds – down from nine.
What this all means KJ is that the good folk of Leeton will have much, much, mucherest morest time to do the things that count…….
……Day trips to day spas in Wagga Wagga, bacchanalian pizza nights in Griffith, educative family excursions to ‘The Home Of The Kelpie’ town, Ardlethan…..
Tell ‘em KJ, you tell ‘em……..
AND while you’re at at it, tell ‘em the good townsfolk of Leeton want the life blood of a fairly big bit of Australia, the complete Murray-Darling system, diverted their way.
They wanna put a record rice crop in…….
Not too bloody much to ask……not bloody much at all…..’
*Gwennie (mum). Last sighted doing her own heart stress test – wandering up Pine Avenue yelling:
If Abbott becomes PM, I will live, if THAT ABBOTT becomes PM, I WILL live……to have another perm!!!
Test results? Inconclusive. (God, God, GOD!)
*******************************
Oh dear, please feel free to talk among yourselves about anything…..
I am in no fit state to check my derma filler levels let alone lead a democratic discussion.
*If anything good can be taken away from all of this it is:
The fact that all of us still have the services of Under The Table Top Man (UTTTM), kerriejean.com’s political and diplomatic correspondent. UTTTM will be under all of the the tables that count all week.
Thank you UTTTM and Keep Cool.
******************************
Oh yes, there is something else………
Coming Soon!
An historic development for kerriejean.com: the simultaneous release on-line, on the airwaves - and on Corey Grong Grong 34567 Repeater Dodds - of the ground breaking, controversial series:
SOMETHING IN THE HAIR
[Cr: National Library Of Congress: flickr]
SOMETHING IN THE HAIR
*Narrated by stage and screen superstar, Mr Colin Moodie .
SOMETHING IN THE HAIR
Follows the gripping and pathetic escapades of a 50-year-old journalist…..
She’s broken down, busted, kaput.
SOMETHING IN THE HAIR
And she’s returning to her hometown looking for advice and succour.
SOMETHING IN THE HAIR
I’ll tell you one thing for free: I’d hate to be in her shoes!
SOMETHING IN THE HAIR
On, in and all over kerriejean.com SOON!
*****In the meantime, go on……..gouge a few minutes out of your obscenely frantic life and join the kerriejean.com commentariat…..
Just click on the ‘comment’ thingo and following the simple instructions. The place to write your gems is at the bottom of the last published comment. *A little bit of counsel for people new to this caper. Your email (just called ‘mail’ in this case) address does NOT come up on site. And just ignore the URL thingo.
Prawn Cutlet Award
August 23rd, 2010 at 12:54 pm
UTTTM News
Fascinating stuff under the Table.
Good reading matter:
Wilkie has ‘The Spy Who Came In From the Cold’.
Bob Katter has Tolstoy’s major essay on freeing serfs.
Julia has ‘I’m OK – you’re OK’.
Rudd has ‘Mein Kampf’ and the essays of Prince Machiavelli.
Abbott has ‘The History of the Weimar Republic’.
Someone has left ‘Don’t Cry for Me, Argentina’ but the owner is unknown.
Keep Cool. UTTTM.
August 23rd, 2010 at 5:38 pm
UTTTM News
I repeat my prediction: a landslide to Julia. It’s a Greenslide to Julia.
Rob Oakeshott, Bob Katter and Tony Windsor are playing Scrabble on the Table Above.
What’s a word beginning with V?
Rookie Greens MP Adam Brandt is drinking Green Tea.
Intelligence Man and whistleblower Andrew Wilkie doesn’t know if he’s allowed to sit down. He’s writing a book, ‘The Fifth Man’.
Julia’s cooking up Welsh rarebit.
Cardinal Pell has sent an email: ‘Satan has entered the Lodge.’
Bob Katter wants to watch a video of ‘Dynasty’.
Keep Cool. UTTTM
August 23rd, 2010 at 11:21 pm
KJ,
Generally I enjoy the pics accompanying your narratives. But really my dear, that pic MUST BE REPLACED by tomorrow.
It would seem that self diagnosis works – ‘I am in no fit state … (to) lead a democratic discussion…..’
‘Tis lucky that you are not an Art Curator!
LW
Dear Lodge Watcher,
The pic is a Postmodern ‘play’ on the notion of Camelot – it is both contemplative and troubled in its simplicity/complexity.
It is pastiche.
It is a conceptual representation of the site of conflict that our Democracy most certainly is.
*Gwennie says she doesn’t know whether she’s about to deconstruct OR self-combust. She likes the pic. KJ.
August 24th, 2010 at 7:30 am
Saturday 21/8/2010 evening…..tossing fitfully in my sleep, what have I done?, what will happen?…
Have I gone to satan?
You see KJ, earlier in the day, my pencil hovered nervously over green and white paper and put the number one in the box of the Greens!
In my sleeplessness I thought just for a moment I saw on my bedpost a hobgoblin resembling ever so slightly Alan Jones looking balefully at me – mouthing the words ‘watermelon, green on the outside and red on the inside…’
Under my bed, an ungodly racket as RJ Menzies Bob Santamaria and Archbishop Mannix together with the Petrovs jockeyed for position.
Meanwhile as I tossed fitfully in sleeplessness (in the heavens) I saw my father standing on the left of heaven.
Stretching his hand out to me he said: ‘Son, wait till I tell Gough when he gets here.’
Oh Boy Stoney Point, Oh Boy………
First things first: may I suggest you vote ‘informal’ on health grounds at the next Federal Poll – which, as everyone knows, could be as early as Saturday week. The strain you put yourself under THIS time could be very dangerous indeed if repeated too close to the initial stressor.
Having said that, I can imagine how terrified you are about meeting your dear Dad in Heaven – facing him for the first time after having voted Green – AND all in the same week that a baby whale was born in the Derwent as Bob B kept reminding us on Saturday night.
I do NOT know how to counsel you except to say that I did NOT vote Green because I knew that Hec (if he is in Heaven and there’s a big question mark over that) would die just at the thought of it. And we can’t have that, no we can’t……
Something that has gone missing among the dramas…….
THE DLP HAS MADE A TRIUMPHANT RETURN!
http://www.thecourier.com.au/news/local/news/general/ballarat-blacksmith-may-be-first-dlp-in-senate/1921764.aspx
(Don’t tell your dear Dad, DON’T tell Hec!)
KJ.
August 24th, 2010 at 8:09 am
Um…are you still sticking to your call?
Libs by a whisker?
And could you please tell all your ABC media mates that there are other adjectives other than ‘extraordinary!’.
Dear The Lonely Scholar,
Yes. Yes. Yes. Memo to all ABC journalists from KJ: Please replace all references to ‘extraordinary’ with ‘unprecedented’. How’s that?
I’m NOT calling anything (or anybody) at the moment: NOT even Gwennie to see whether she’s still upright. She’s, I fear, headed for the Hari Krishnas – ‘Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, Nooooooooooooooo……..’
The thing is that everything is unprecedented. Witness the spectacle of the new Holy Trinity……….’Power? Not interested? Horse trading? Not my style. Politics? Immoral. Australia? Eathquake prone – no stability, isn’t that awful…..?’
OH PLEASE!
Come on now……..Tony, Bob The Kat and Rob……….
You’re lovin’ it. Who wouldn’t? A handful of votes and the power to make botox free for all women over 38. Please feel free to drop by my place any time, day or night.
KJ.
August 24th, 2010 at 9:48 am
Ralph Blur with a Channel Ten News update.
As we wait outside the Negotiations Niche for a Decision international experts on electoral law are arriving.
I spoke to one a short time ago:
‘I am Professor G.I.N. German, constitutional lawyer from Trinity College, Dublin.
The last time anything like this happened Michael Collins was shot and Ireland was plunged into Civil War.
It is very important that the parties sit down and have a drink together, which is why I am carrying this bottle of Absinthe….’
Blur: How would you describe the situation?
Lord Ginge: ‘As we say in County Kerry, things tonight are relatively peaceful…
But WHY IS EVERYTHING SO BLOODY GREEN?’
Ralph Blur, Channel 10 News.
August 24th, 2010 at 11:08 am
Ralph Blur with a Channel Ten News update.
Meanwhile in Little Leeton the voice of The Bush is about to break a long silence.
We spoke to Art in Art’s Bar & Grill.
Art: ‘It’s all coming together. We have a voice in Canberra, and soon there will be a major ABC Radio Documentary on our lovely little Rendez Vous of the Riverina.
Tourists are pulling up outside. We have erected loudspeakers in Pine Avenue.
The town has only one question: WHEN IS IT ON?’
Ralph Blur, Channel 10 News.
August 24th, 2010 at 3:11 pm
I swear there is a dead rat in my backyard just beside the worm filled compost bin.
Cause of death – unknown.
Dear Greek and loving it,
I have been a vocal critic of compost bins in suburban backyards for this very reason: they are vermin attractants.
Am I listened to?
No, I sit around dinner tables with Green voters (why do they ALWAYS serve the abomination that is cous cous?) and am told that my views are a canker on society.
I say: ‘ Well, just wait until a man (wearing a gas mask and wrapped in a full protective cling wrap bodysuit) WITH 50 litres of the most toxic brew known to humankind comes to your place because it’s been rendered one big rat’s nest…..
They laugh….
Such is life. KJ.
August 25th, 2010 at 6:55 am
KJ,
Is Bob The Wild Kat REALLY independent…..?
Is his main sponsor RM Williamson, Akubra or Brylcreem?
LW.
Dear Lodge Watcher,
Good question!
I am currently investigating whether the Ugg Group is also a major backer. KJ.
August 25th, 2010 at 8:02 am
Thinking on things a bit more KJ, perhaps my dad would be OK with, it especially since when he was on this planet similar things were said about his beloved ALP.
His chest may even puff out with pride on knowing that his son may be labelled a Commie (because if one listens to talk back the Greens are at times accused of that)
As for me I shall wear my Green allegiance with pride. Especially if it means raising the blood pressure of the conservative shock jocks.
Perhaps I’m more like my dear old dad than I realise…
Dear Stoney Point,
Good thinkin’.
One thing’s for sure: isn’t it wonderful the way you think about your dear dad (and I think about Hec) when there’s matters of great importance before the nation.
ALL POWER in absentia to both of them!
Thank you to Hec and Stoney Point’s dad (and thousands like them) for sitting around the tea tables of Australia and leaving everyone in NO doubt that what happens in Canberra is important – and endlessly fascinating.
* Still think we should keep the news of the DLP senator-elect secret!
KJ.
August 25th, 2010 at 2:57 pm
KJ,
A meditation on Bob The Kat in three parts…….
(1)
You’re still standin’,
Stronger than you ever were,
Meow, Meow, Meow…..
(2)
Six Pack and The Kat…..
Meow, Meow, Meow……
(3)
Pardon Me Miss J,
Is that The Kat,
Who ate your elect-tor-at?
LW.
Dear Lodge Watcher,
The Big Lebowski is on notice! KJ.
August 25th, 2010 at 11:49 pm
It’s the idea what counts
It’s not the blooming cost
Said Abtony on his bike
I tellya, Julia bloody lost!
Figures, schmiggers
Enough about finances
Shut those media sniggers
I am Tone the New Man
Full of the Lubbin’, not Hate
Lots of Love in Parliament
As I build the Theocratic State
Only thing I hates is bean counters
Not like the ones I employ
To building new Hope
In a Gentle Nation of Joy
It’s baked beans and bread rolls
And back to the Polls
August 26th, 2010 at 10:07 am
Well . . . hasn’t it been exciting . . .! And intriguing!
All the political machinations from Canberra, Townsville, Tamworth, Port Macquarie, Melbourne, Kalgoorlie and even now, the possibility of someone from Hobart. All making huge plays for a bit of the action.
I’ve been arguing all week to a largely apathetic audience that, had the good denizens of Leeton NOT voted National, we’d probably have our own place at the decision-making table with the independents, too.
Almost five thousand other folks in the Riverina shared that view, voting for young Wagga barrister, Matt Hogg . . . sadly, 70,000 others didn’t share that view so, again, we’re abandoned to an uncertain fate including an opposition federal member.
Voting day was an interesting experience….
I wandered along Wade Avenue to the Madonna Place polling booth, rugged up but buffetted by the cold winds of a later winter afternoon, exchanged smiles with a number of how-to-vote distributors, including Des Driscoll who is a regular footpath feature at election time, and wandered in to vote.
Having done my civic duty I headed out again into the failing sunshine and glanced up at the religious statuary outside the building…
I could have sworn the Blessed Virgin Mary was smiling down at us!
Was she smiling at the way I had cast my vote?
Was she giving all who were prepared to notice, a Mona Lisa style indication of the night to come?
Could it have been a smile for the DLP that would be making a long-awaited return the the corridors of the Senate?
Maybe she was smiling over Kerry O’Brien’s forthcoming frustrations, delineating between the ALP and the ABC or predicting the poll outcome?
Or, maybe she was just smiling that at last, a ranga – who’s nothing like satan – would be taking up residence in The Lodge at last?
The winds had died down and as I reached my car a couple of spots of rain hit the windscreen . . . was the BVM or Hec crying over the likely political uncertainty ahead for us all?
Dear Palm Avenue,
I am already feeling quite emotionally unhinged…..and in you come with this beautifully evocative tableau of Leeton, Poll 2010, Saturday afternoon, August 21st.
It’s all there……Madonna Place, Leeton kingmaker Desmond Driscoll, those cheeky freezing Riverina winds……EVEN the Wade Avenue footpath which I’m crazy about.
In these times of liability driven streetscapes, it’s one of the few remaining ‘big concrete block’ pavements where one foot wrong, one stiletto in a crack and you could be dead.
As for the Blessed Virgin Mary – stuck in her special recess – on the outside of the Madonna Place Dance Hall and Top-Secret Knights of The Southern Cross Meeting Rooms – SHE’S ALWAYS SMILING……
For fun-loving folks who go by on their way to Confession, for teenagers skylarking in nearby Mountford Park, for me who passing by in January with the worst sunburn she’s ever seen and for you Palm Avenue – who looks up and winks!
Anyone got a tissue?
KJ.
August 26th, 2010 at 2:06 pm
As the Absinthe level in the bottle drops the Independents are warming to my notion of outsiders joinin the Cabinet.
I have offered my services as I am an expert on Matters Bloody Green….
Also I have pointed out that the Australian system of preferential voting came from where?
Ireland, of course.
I have been very busy, but I am prepared to accept the position of Minister for Festivals and Films.
My colleague, Mr P.O’Toole, has agreed to become Minister for Alcohol Abuse and Gaelic Studies.
We have prepared a series of proposals to be known as The Leeton Accords.
The Ginger Man.
August 26th, 2010 at 7:08 pm
Grong Grong:
How sweet it is to be on the road again wth Peter O’Toole in the Trailer of Democracy.
Not since Fidel landed from Granma has there been such a spirited response.
When I announced that the Triumvirate (after refreshments) had decided placing Absinthe on the PBS (Pharmaceutical Benefits Scheme) there have been scenes of joy as we head for Leeton, soon to be the site of the Leeton Accords.
I sang to them my favorite hymn:
I’ve got that joy, joy, joy down in my heart.
O’Toole in a radio interview said it was all MARVELLOUS, SIMPLY BLOODY MARVELLOUS.
The Mayor of Leeton has promised a welcome party despie his bitter disappointment at not receiving a starring role in our Film Festival. But I have explained that a combination of production difficulties and political obstinacy caused his rejection..
I told him that LIBERATORY LEETON will become more famous than Athens, birthplace of Democracy.
The Mayor will become the Pericles of the Riverina.
He wept with joy.
There’s a lot of Joy in the air.
There’s Something in the Hair here……………….
August 26th, 2010 at 7:11 pm
I know how Che felt.
August 26th, 2010 at 7:45 pm
In the First Triumvirate Julius Caesar like Kevin was done in and Pompey the Great was bumped off like Lindsay Tanner and Marcus Crassus failed at pre-selection like Belinda Neal.
The second Triumvirate was the victorious Octavian, Mark Antony and Marcus Lepidus.
In this Third Triumvirate who is the Augustus? Who is the triumvir Mark Antony ?
We know who Cleopatra is.
I come to bury Kevin not to praise him.
Where is Augustus? In our eastern suburbs?
August 27th, 2010 at 7:48 pm
Just wondering whether a small glass of absinthe might solve whatever it is that’s bothering the opposition leader at the moment . . . those financial figures and Treasury calculations might just ‘fade away’ . . .
And as for Pericles of the Riverina . . . I think Mayor Paul had better be careful! We don’t want him rebuilding the city while the Tidy Towns judge is around . . . just think of the mess (and all that marble dust getting up her nose!)
The mention of the Granma had me rethinking Walter Burley Griffin’s plan for a Leeton lake, too.
Now that Fidel is unwell, how could he resist lending the Granma to us as a feature exhibit for the lake which ‘Pericles’ Maytom would undoubtedly have constructed…
Council subsidised boat rides could take us from the Mia Club to the Golf course or drop off late school kids to St Frances College.
Why does it all make sense?
Dear Palm Avenue,
It makes sense because this is a treatise full of brilliant thoughts and cross-paradigm challenges…….
As Mr O’Toole would say: MARVELLOUS SIMPLY BLOODY MARVELLOUS!
We await a response from Lord Ginge.
KJ.
August 28th, 2010 at 12:19 am
Palm Avenue,
Yo soy un hombre sncero de dondre crece las palmas.
Thank you. We have a boat not called Granma, but the Bay of Cutlets.
August 28th, 2010 at 12:21 am
My 2IC, Che II, bears a remarkable similarity to Bon Jovi.