KerrieJean.com

Six nations head to head in the ’take no prisoners’ Battle of The Saints in the magnificent arena that is The Basilica…….

…..Six powerful nations fighting it out to be the declared the ‘Home Of The Best Saint’.

But - as a child of the Josephites [alumni, St Joseph's Primary School, Leeton] I’m thrilled to report:

 NO CONTEST!

[Sister Mary Marie.The Riverina's secret weapon in the Battle Of The Saints]

Match Report:

Italy, fielding two players,  Cathecist Giulia Salzano and Mary Mackillop’s greatest threat, Sister Camilla Battista Varano, failed dismally to capitalise on its home ground advantage.

Poland - represented by Celebrity Confessor, Stanislaw Soltys -  made much of its links to the ump but was to quickly discover it needed much, much more with the stakes so high.

Canada came to Rome with a surpise candidate, Andre Bessette.  Healing credentials are a plus but Andre’s supporters left The Bascilia with just one take home message:

‘We are NOT Italy and we are NOT Ireland. Never have been. Never will be……’

As for Spain? Coming to Rome with Juana Cipitria Barriola was always fraught with difficulties. She may have been a very good teacher but when you’re playing Battle of The Saints at the pointy end of the canonisation season you (quite frankly) need to take the game more seriously.

As for Australia, we were punching above our weight. [Sigh, sigh, sigh.....]

……Eight-thousand sainthood afficionados who didn’t hold back when it came to making it clear they’d come to The Basilica to do business under their terms.

And when hoardes of Australian Josephite sisters from throughout regional Australia invaded the field replete with Isadora Duncan blue scarves and designer sunglasses framing their trademark comely faces and stylish short, grey tresses, Poland, Italy, Spain and Canada knew……..

Game over.

It’s a lesson I learnt –  and learnt well – more than 40 years ago.

When a well-oiled, super fit team of Josephites [armed with rulers, six-metre long canes and even golf umbrellas] wants to do business, get the hell out of the way……  

*It has also gone unreported that regional Australia’s most powerful nun, Sister Mary Marie, from the Riverina’s Holbrook Convent, was in the Battle Of The Saints.

Insiders report that Sister Marie Marie - right up to the opening of official hostilities - was sledging Italian, Polish, Canadian and Spanish competitors.

Her weapon?

The fastest Hail Mary on the Pacific Rim.

I had the privilege of meeting Sister Mary Marie in June. Click here and hear exactly why four industrialised powerhouses buckled under what’s become known as the ‘Sister Mary Marie’ factor.

Episode 1: A Challenging Day At The Convent

******************

So, all in all, an extraordinary couple of days…….

Australia winning The Battle Of The Saints, rain threatening my favourite Dustbowl, the Murrumbidgee Irrigation Area of New South Wales, and to top it all off, my disastrous fringe (thank God!) growing five cms overnight – A MIRACLE!

Please report in – particularly if you’ve NEVER had a miracle happen to you. Strange and rare – and just quietly, a little sad.

Anything else going on at your place of work or rest? Do tell……..

Spill the glorious beans by:

Just clicking on the ‘comment’ thingo and following the simple instructions. The place to write your gems is at the bottom of the last published comment. *A little bit of counsel for people new to this caper. Your email (just called ‘mail’ in this case) address does NOT come up on site. And just ignore the URL thingo.

Hello there, top of the morning…..

Despite the sad news that a dear friend is getting all his teeth out today, life goes on - and like how!

Today, the official on-site launch of my mid-life-crisis project: ‘Something In The Hair’.

Make no mistake.

While the country I love – and would be  prepared to lay down six bottles of Golden Gate Spumate for - remains hostage to the delusional thoughts of three crazy rural brothers, art-making continues……

What you can do to help……

Simple.

Just click on the nifty promo lines under the pic of me emulating a windswept Catherine in ‘Wuthering Heights’ (to the right of your screen) – and away you go.

There’s sound and vision and podcasts and a cast of wonderful Riverina folk who touched my heart and didn’t hold back in advising me during what continues to be a very challenging time in my life.

Fifty, fifty, FIFTY!

Why, why did I think that men would find new strength in cellulite…?

Why, why did I think my bosses would come to value the special cynicism I’ve cultivated over a long working life….why, why, WHY…..?

Still, I’m an optimist……..

And terrific things did happen during the making of ‘Something In The Hair’.

For example, I got a date and I will be be making a bonus ’sealed section’ available when I see fit. 

So, have a listen to ’Something In The Hair’ – and even report back on what you think of it.

I believe all art should be subject to rigorous critique.

For example, I loathe ‘Grand Designs’.  I tell you - if  that terribly up-himself Kevin McLeod ever turns up to criticise my floor plan, I’ll be taking out my (seventh) AVO.

Spring………

A time for repose and reflection.

A time for planting….house keys.

A time for counting how many people barely tolerate you - and how many just simply cannot.

Most of all, the one time of the year for making – a festive Hummingbird cake! Take one can of Aldi’s crushed pineapple, nine rancid bananas, six cups of Aldi’s dessicated coconut….. 

For all of us….a time for every purpose under Heaven.

….A time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing (particularly if it’d be highly inappropriate).

……While still embracing your responsibility to report back to KJ by……

Just clicking on the ‘comment’ thingo and following the simple instructions. The place to write your gems is at the bottom of the last published comment. *A little bit of counsel for people new to this caper. Your email (just called ‘mail’ in this case) address does NOT come up on site. And just ignore the URL thingo.

Would I be right to think that your Christmas is shaping up to be yet ANOTHER disaster?

You should be ashamed of yourself – 10 days out from celebrating the world’s ONLY Virgin Birth and you’re plonked on the divan immobilised. Oh yes, you’re VERY keen to grab those three public holidays generated by the VB Miracle but thus far, you’ve done precisely bugger all to mark it in a manner appropriate.

So today, an early pressie from me to you:

Hec’s old-style Christmas preps: Time-saving and fun. Print off, follow to the last letter and (legs crossed) the Virgin Birth Celebrations 2009 at your place will be the talk of the town.

Hec: ‘It’s MANDATORY…. The Christmas Axe.’ (cr: DanCentury: flickr)

(1)  SECURE a free-range tree: Cost effective and flamboyant. Get The Christmas Axe, hop into your vehicle and proceed (under cover of darkness) to the nearest National Park. Hack down a beauty. Stuff  in boot. Treasure the looks of wonderment on small faces as you crash through the back door with the gigantic flora.  Slice 44 gallon drum in half. Excavate backyard. Fill drum. Plant tree. Position under gaping ceiling hole you carved out last year.

*Couldn’t understand all that fuss the Greenies made a while back about the so-called discovery of the Wollemi Pine. B*******!  Wollemis (great Christmas trees) have always been a dime a dozen in the sandhills near Narrandera.

(2)  NEVER tell kids that Santa exists. Gets ya into too much trouble. Concentrate on the in and outs of the Virgin Birth.

(3) SOURCE fine Christmas produce from local providores. Christmas Eve should see you in the woodheap with five rice-pellet-force- feed chooks and The Christmas Axe. Grab chook’s neck, ram down on a log and let The Christmas Axe do the rest. *Kids love seein’ chooks run around backyards with their heads chopped off but don’t forget to add an educational plank to the spectacular proceedings:

‘And that’s what you’ll look like if ya don’t take it easy when you get ya P-Plates, that’s what’ll happen to you….’

(4)  ATTEND MIDNIGHT Mass: Get the whole bloody thing outta the way so you can concentrate on Christmas. Hark The Herald Angels Sing is your cue that things are wrappin’ up. Round up the kids and get the hell outta there. *The last thing A Man wants to do is stand outside Church sayin’ Merry Christmas to a bunch of hypocrites who’ve (all year) been yacking  behind ya back about ya questionable personal habits.

(5) BE UP AND AT IT EARLY. Say ‘Merry Christmas’ to everyone… even the neighbours who told everyone who’d listen they saw ya get a WOLLEMI Pine out of the boot. Proceed to iceworks. Buy the biggest slab available to non-commercial customers. The challenge? To keep 72 bottles of Reschs Dinner Ale cold for 18 hours in 104 degree heat. Do your back in trying to get the ice out of the boot. Take The Christmas Axe. Attack the iceberg.

Start to enjoy yourself…….

* So, there you have it. Do yourself a favour:

Get off your bum right now and tell your loved ones: THIS year (like it or lump it) we’re doing Christmas Hec-style!

In the meantime, awaitin’ to hear from you…your traditional pre- Christmas crack-up is, of course, worth reporting in on but – as usual – so is everything else. New posters most welcome. I’ll rephrase that: TREASURED!

And….speaking of TREASURED…..just so happens I have the link here to an old favorite – last year’s hit Christmas single They’re Your Bloody Family. (Little ole me and THEN manager Big Swifty)

*Was at yet another party on Saturday night and someone mentioned the song. Someone else (too much make up too much Spumanti) piped up:

You really can’t sing KJ,  you really can’t……

Well, I didn’t dignify THAT with a response. Some people just CAN’T help themselves……

click-to-hear-They’re-Your-Bloody-Family

Pic:Tracey Tromph.

(Another time, another place: Big Swifty and KJ In Happier Times)

*The Ginger Man*

All in all, probably his biggest week yet!

Right now, Lord Ginge, The Chief Monk, Nurse Try Do, Under The Table Top Man (UTTTM) and Godwin Grech are huddled in the cargo hold of  The Rev Kev’s RAAF jet  enroute to Copenhagen.

Before being secretly squashed into the cargo crate holding The Rev Kev’s ETS masterplans, Lord Ginge commented:

‘Tell everyone at kerriejean.com that it’s gonna be exciting AND exotic:  Wall-To-Wall VIKING……..how ’bout that!!!!!’

cr: han s’: flickr

And so it is – with the ‘Viking Volumes’ unfolding all week in our comments section. For those new to TGM (Ex-Bletchley Park, Ex- Trinity College, Dublin) he’s our mysterious Passion-Aggressive-Adventurer-In-Residence.  One day he just lobbed in - and stayed. Talk about all our Christmases coming at once…….

All posters take a deep breath…..and just click on the ‘comment’ thingo and follow the simple instructions. The place to write your gems is at the bottom of the last published comment. *A little bit of counsel for people new to this caper. Your email (just called ‘mail’ in this case) address does NOT come up on site. And just ignore the URL thingo – just ignore it.

****STOP PRESS: Dr Andrew Whatham – Leeton High School alumni – IS the 2009 ‘The Einstein Factor’ Grand Champ!

In the meantime…..Hellooooooo everybody!

Can a week get any bigger than this…?

The release of  Kerrie Jean’s Home Companion: Part 2 (RN YouTube link further down the page) and Leeton’s smartest export ever in the Grand Final of The Einstein Factor.

His name is Andrew Whatham – ex-Leeton High School. Tonight at 6:30pm (ABC 1) he’ll prove – for once and for all – that soaring soil salinity levels and continual crop dusting with chemicals with lots of  numbers in their names does NOT affect brain power….quite the opposite!

Now though, some not so good news….

I have heard from our passion-aggressive adventurer, The Ginger Man. Our dear Lord Ginge is not well. He’s been bought low by a mystery malady involving pains and terrible fatigue. The Chief Monk and Nurse Try Do are in attendance. I think I can speak for you all in saying: Lord Ginge, God Bless you and please get better soon. We love ya, yes we do……

* Kerrie Jean’s Home Companion: Part Two.

All I can say is that life with my new manager Jim IS amazing - CRACKERJACK!

Jim’s UNSTOPPABLE!

From dawn to dusk, he’s running all over town talking to media heavies……have you heard of KJ, have you heard of KJ, HAVE YOU heard of KJ?

No, no, no,no,no,no,no,no,no,no,no,no,no,no….etc.

Well, my friend, YOU HAVE NOW!!!!!

*Jim proceeds to leave a showbag of publicity products: CD’s of KJ reading the news during the Falklands War,  replicas of KJ’s Leeton High School prefect’s badge, photographs of former defactos who are now famous, empty (signed) botox syringes…AND a copy of  Kerrie Jean’s Home Companion: Part Two.

If this won’t get ‘em calling back KJ, my name’s NOT Jim……

Time for you to to have a look and see whether you agree with Jim.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HttKIois070

*For those who didn’t hear THAT fateful first phone call constituting Kerrie Jean’s Home Companion Part One…….

Comments still treasured. Perhaps a little Get Well message for Lord Ginge…?

******ALL correspondents  just take a deep breath and  go for it!!

Just click on the ‘comment’ thingo and follow the simple instructions. The place to write your gems is at the bottom of the last published comment. *A little bit of counsel for people new to this caper. Your email (just called ‘mail’ in this case) address does NOT come up on site. And just ignore the URL thingo – just ignore .

As you’ve NO doubt heard I have a new manager……

He’s young, he’s a ‘can do’ man, he presents very nicely, he was born in the same year The Wall came down….AND his name is Jim.

Last time you came across Jim, you were hearing our very first phone call.

Well, there’s been oodles since then:

KJ, stick with me and you’ll be wearin’ diamonds….

KJ, you’re a late-breaking IT girl…..

KJ, promoting you is like hockin’ tissues in the flu season….easypeasy, easy, EASY…

So, a little sneak preview of what happened at a busy city Sony Store when me and Jim met to make a RADIO NATIONAL promo…

And Jim even insisted we make a promo of the promo….HOW AMAZING IS THAT?!!

It’s the latest thing KJ….. a promo of a promo…..it’s a new and exciting type of what’s called viral marketing…..

(I told Jim that that viral thingo sounded very powerful and he just nodded and smiled…)

Now,  sit back and enjoy the Promo of our Promo: 

*Just click on this and look to the right of the screen. Scroll down until you see me and Jim. Click on same. It’s easy and FREE!

http://www.youtube.com/abcradionational

*For those who didn’t hear THAT fateful first phone call constituting Kerrie Jean’s Home Companion Part One…….

(click ‘ere to eavesdrop)

* The FULL ‘Kerrie Jean’s Home Companion’: Part Two in here soon.

(Produced by Eurydice Arony & James Shepherd)

You can still comment…..go on!

******ALL correspondents  just take a deep breath and  go for it!!

Just click on the ‘comment’ thingo and follow the simple instructions. The place to write your gems is at the bottom of the last published comment. *A little bit of counsel for people new to this caper. Your email (just called ‘mail’ in this case) address does NOT come up on site. And just ignore the URL thingo – just ignore .

KERRIE JEAN’S HOME COMPANION: PART ONE

Gosh!

AMAZING what can happen when you’re quietly going about your business – NOT exactly setting the world on fire but then again, NOT being consciously malicious by grabbing some poor idiot’s job, PIN, passport or boyfriend………..

Let me put it like this: I am a victimless crime and that is enough for me………

Or so I thought……

Because, on Friday, at my desk……Ring, ring, ring.

I NEVER pick-up because nine times outta ten it’s someone with a story idea or a family member reminding me that Christmas is on the 25th of December and I’d better tell them RIGHT now: SEAFOOD or TRADITIONAL……

This time though (paralysed with boredom) I did answer.

Silly me. Or a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity?

YOU BE THE JUDGE…..

(click ‘ere to eavesdrop)

WOW!

Talk about cool and collected. BUT three minutes later, I was straight back to Jim.

Meet me now, meet me now, now, now, NOW.  Just so I know I’m NOT dreaming……..

Below, enlarged pictorial evidence of me and Jim at the coffee shop. I impressed Jim enormously and Jim, I suspect, left feeling on top of the world.

Oh Boy –  from victimless crime to me, me, ME  crime spree –  all in the space of 45 glorious minutes!

(credit: Tracey Trompf)

SO WHAT HAPPENED AT THE SONY SHOP?

SEE IT, HEAR IT, FEEL IT…………..

KERRIE JEAN’S HOME COMPANION  – Part TWO – coming to this site soon!

(Producer: Eurydice Aroney & James Shepherd)

*********************************************

Well, well, well…..it’s NOT all about ME, ya know. Still, to tell ya the truth, I’m very nervy about the whole thingo. Feel like a struggling business with a big sign out the front: UNDER NEW MANAGEMENT. Any advice?  No need to go overboard, really there’s NO need for that.

ON the subject of YOU, please report in and take the pressure of ME. How are ya all? I’m hoping for ’safe and well’ but until you report in, who knows? I certainly don’t and neither does the world……

THE GINGER MAN

Just what to report first……?

Lord Ginge – who’s NOT under new management – has, what we say in the business, spilled over.

He’s still in Leeton with Peter O’Toole trying to make a film. Working title:

The Cleft Stick Man Versus Planet Of The Apes Living Dead and Z-Man The Zombie.

Last night, Lord Ginge cemented his Passion-Aggressive Aventurer credentials when he - NO suprises here - smashed the world record for the most storytelling blog posts over two hours. I ask you: Has anyone ever seen the likes of it!?

For folks new to kerriejean.com The Ginger Man (ex-Trinity College, ex- Bletchley Park) always operates out of our comments section.

Trust me – in all of my years in the business - I’ve never come across anything remotely like it.

Think human telex machine mixed with the life experiences of General Peter Cosgrove and Elizabeth Taylor combined.

******ALL correspondents  just take a deep breath and  go for it!!

Just click on the ‘comment’ thingo and follow the simple instructions. The place to write your gems is at the bottom of the last published comment. *A little bit of counsel for people new to this caper. Your email (just called ‘mail’ in this case) address does NOT come up on site. And just ignore the URL thingo – just ignore .