KerrieJean.com

URGENT UPDATE:  Monday.

The full story about my psychosexually-driven bargain shopping End Stage Carbon Producing Economy frenzy was written in good faith. [see below]

I did pay SOMETHING for my goods – albeit not much.

Then, I awake to this news.

And…….my already crippling case of Affluenza goes up a notch……

……..Fever pitch itchiness, frightening mood swings of  excitement/despair/hope/doom/love/scorn and most alarmingly……for the very first time in my beautiful life……..a strong desire to have been born a New Zealander……..

http://www.theaustralian.com.au/australian-it/dick-smith-nz-web-glitch-offers-free-goods/story-e6frgakx-1226092196665

God help me.

[Now read on - if you're still able to sit upright......]

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On the historic day Australia pledged urgent action towards a smaller thong print, I went barking mad……

……..I am the the most serious case of Affluenza ever reported.

The discoverer of the mysterious and crippling affliction that is Affluenza, Dr Clive Hamilton, should be informed forthwith…….

I demand to be quarantined……

I am a threat to myself and all right-thinking citizens who, in the interests of ethical consumer restraint, deserve to know what I did.

Okay.

Today, I fell through my door with 56 environmentally friendly bags stuffed with intimate and ‘everyday’ apparel from scores of big city Pacific Rim fashion emporiums.

['I'd like some mutton to dress as lamb.' Cr: Museum of Hartlepool: flickr]

I purchased the aforementioned in an exhausting personal psychosexual End Stage Carbon Producing Economy  frenzy.

Why, why why?

Because…because….because of global warming, Winter only lasted an unseasonably short four days meaning everything was 90 to 98 percent off. 

I feel so goddamn low, so goddamn hollowed out, so……so….so………goddamm shallow.

These are the highlights of what I’m left with:

*Size 8 red windcheater with fake fur novelties on hood, cuffs and collar.

Resulting Look: Mad Asphyxiated Moose.

*Size 16 Cheeky Big/Little Black Dress.

Resulting Look: Depression era St Josephite nun grappling with humiliating habit malfunction.

*Size 12 cropped fake leather jacket.  

Resulting Look: Ageing Bandido at mother’s funeral.

*Size 14 pair French flared dress pants:

Resulting look: Eiffel Tower in force 60 gale.

*Size 12 short merino wool skirt.

Resulting look: Merino riding right up on the back….of me.

Selection of day and ’special occasions’ brassieres of various sizes:

Resulting look: Indiscernible. 

[Danger, DANGER!  Too, too small brassiere collection demonstrating potentially fatal slingshot capacities]

So there you have it….

Australia tries to save the planet.

I try to present myself in a reasonably dignified fashion……..

……..Only to acquire the most alluring Vinnie’s bag ever collected.

For new members of our vibrant kerriejean.com community, if you loved/hated this little piece you’ll most likely love/hate this one. It’s all about my wedding dress.

http://www.kerriejean.com.au/2009/10/kjs-wedding-dress-is-off-at-moruya-airport/

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Dearie me…….

Impetuousness is my only  flaw but gee, it’s a very bad one to have.

Humiliation is so often the result.

The best thing I can do is offer good advice.

(a) Try on potential purchases (b) don’t buy anything reduced by more than 90 percent and (c) be honest about your age and body shape.

I know, I know……all terribly disturbing things to do but trust me, the alternative doesn’t feel very nice….not very nice at all.

Looking forward to hearing from about anything insignificant happening on your patch……shopping horror stories most welcome…..

It’s easy to share your distress – simply by:

Just clicking on the ‘comment’ thingo and following the simple instructions. The place to write your gems is at the bottom of the last published comment. *A little bit of counsel for people new to this caper. Your email (just called ‘mail’ in this case) address does NOT come up on site. And just ignore the URL thingo.

WHO IS HISTORY’S MOST FAMOUS AND ENTHUSIASTIC QUEUER?

Simple!

From ‘The Diana Chronicles’ by the former editor of ‘The New Yorker’, Tina Brown:

…….She [Princess Diana] called her ‘healing therapist’ Simone Simmons from outside Ronnie Scott’s jazz club….

 She said how much she loved standing in the queue, admitting she’d never had to wait in line for anything before.

‘I’m queuing!’ she crowed happily into her mobile phone. ‘It’s wonderful! You meet so many different people in a queue!’

[* Do have a fantastic time queuing for your traditional devon and tomato luncheon sandwich - KJ]

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My suburb’s gone all Pre-Perestroika!

The peasants are doing very nicely for themselves [thank you!] except in one key area.

There’s a dreadful *macaron shortage.

*I spell it ‘macaroon’, and I say it ‘macaroon’ but the experts go with ‘macaron’ – so who am I to argue? [It's just not in my nature.......]

[Macaron breadwinners: cr: Library of Congress: flickr]

The result?

Queues of  hundreds of thousands of  desperate people [with plummeting blood sugar levels] outside the modest premises of the only man on the Pacific Rim with stocks of macarons, Mr Adriano Zumbo.

In a country facing its biggest challenge since myxomatosis, Mr Zumbo should never have gone on Masterchef with the news: 

‘I have macarons.’

My investigations show that his latest offerings include Japanese Mayo Macarons, Charred Coconut And Black Rice Pudding Macarons and for the purists, simple Satay Macarons.

So dire is the situation, people – most dressed in designer garb - are forced to queue for six hours in the cold and rain for just two or three macarons costing 1,546 rubles each.

Even though things are very tough I have my pride.

I have never and will NEVER queue for a macaron.

I’ve discovered a bakery tucked away in the back streets that has small supplies of things called ‘date scones’ for 4 kopaks each.

I know it’s wrong NOT to tell anyone……..

But, as history shows, when people are pushed to their limits, morality is the first casuality.

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Would love to hear your views on the macaron shortage.

If you’ve got the strength please report in by:

Just clicking on the ‘comment’ thingo and following the simple instructions. The place to write your gems is at the bottom of the last published comment. *A little bit of counsel for people new to this caper. Your email (just called ‘mail’ in this case) address does NOT come up on site. And just ignore the URL thingo.

Like you I’m fully aware that the Kooky Colt from Kooyong, stepped out - and in - with celebrity UFO spotter and veteran starlette, Shirley Maclaine.

[Aus Office National Assessment documents: Cr: Nat Archives, UK:  flickr]

But I doubt whether anyone realises, until now, just how kooky things got…..

I’m flabbergasted……

A report in my Sunday paper says – among other kooky things – that one of  Miss Maclaine’s dates with the Kooky Colt from Kooyong comprised a ‘UFO Stakeout’ in Popocatepetl, Mexico.   Aussie politician’s UFO hunt

I don’t usually care what consenting adults do in private [except bad mouth me] but Mr Andrew Peacock was, at the time of the apocalyptic Popocatepetl stakeout, our Foreign Affairs Minister.

And things at Popocatepetl got pretty hot.

Only when pressed did Miss Maclaine report that the Kooky Colt refused to be drawn on whether American spooks at Pine Gap had indeed tracked extra-terrestrial activities.

Think about it, though……

A lesser man, a Kookier Colt would have buckled under the pressure.

And the resulting national security threat posed by a breathless Miss Maclaine telling anyone who’d listen that ‘Downunder is full of unidentified flying objects’ doesn’t bear thinking about.

* Declaration of interest under the ABC Editorial Guidelines.

For four years – between 1988 and 92 – [I think that's right] I shared a bed and premises with a creative soul who would have very much enjoyed a trip to Popocatepetl.

So convinced he was that UFOs (a) existed and (b) scooped up unsuspecting Earthlings, he was a respected member of something called the UFO Support Group [I think that's right] 

Oh God, I’d like to tell you this wasn’t true…….

I’d like to tell you that deadline pressure has finally taken a terrible toll.

But that would be a lie……

Yes, I did live with an executive member of the UFO Support Group.

…….But we split up when he was taken.

As it turned out, by an Earthling.

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Your sweetest memories of Andrew Peacock, please…….?

If you’ve seen a UFO, I’d like to hear about it…….no pictures of photo-shopped paper plates, thank you.

………I seem to remember there were a couple of sightings in the mysterious Brobenah Hills, near my cherished hometown of Leeton [Everyone hung around the hills for weeks hoping to be taken - no luck]

And, as I always say, anything else?

Throw caution – and dignity – to the wind…….

Report in by:

Just by clicking on the ‘comment’ thingo and following the simple instructions. The place to write your gems is at the bottom of the last published comment. *A little bit of counsel for people new to this caper. Your email (just called ‘mail’ in this case) address does NOT come up on site. And just ignore the URL thingo.

I’ve been walking, stalking my local streets since early am…….

……As an excited constituent in the history-making first Green seat in the NSW Lower House…….

It wasn’t easy.

Fighting through hundreds of different coloured plastic bins at the front of my block – red: rocket, radish and rosemary scraps, green: Labor and Lib ‘how to vote’ flyers, yellow: beaujolais flagons, orange: ‘unmentionables’ – I veer onto the main thoroughfare….

Only to be nearly run down by a pack of marauding huskies.

[A new dawn in my neighbourhood. Cr: State Library, NSW: flickr]

The team leader resplendent in a designer hemp tracksuit – with [just quietly] a very nasty look on her face.

Why, why, why (I ponder) do Greens aficionados always have such mammoth dogs?

Is it the primal Call Of The Wild from the enclosed courtyard?…

The potent mix of the primitivism of  ‘White Fang’ meets modern day professionally whitened teeth?….

….The outward sign of a top secret campaign to have bus lanes dismantled and replaced with commuter husky team transit lanes?

I know not but it troubles me deeply.

Twisting my ankle back into place, I immediately face another potential catastrophe……

Here comes a forty-plus Greens aficionado jogging with a pram cum tank which has been modified in Scandinavia as a vessel of conveyance for four new borns.

And she’s not stoppin’ for anyone……

‘Get out of the way!

……I’m a Green technology-assisted  mother……..

I’ll run you down……

Oh yes, I will……without a second thought….’

I know you will.

That’s why I’m cowering in a shop entrance nervously gulping my Fair Trade superdooper sized strong black with six sugars – in a polystyrene cup.

Enough!

Turning back, I gingerly approach the pedestrian crossing [ever mindful that I'm of the age that all women are rendered 'invisible']

A big latest model BMW screeches to a halt.

The driver is not happy.

I give him a little two fingered gesture but soften the impact with a big smile.

He is still not happy.

Come to think of it…..[and do be honest]

Have you ever met a Greens aficionado with a sense of humour?

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Well, well, well……..so much to talk about.

Should huskies be banned?

Should prams cum tanks be banned? Or is it more a matter of pram cum tank driver education?

Perhaps you vote Green and do have a sense of humour – try me, just try me…….

Do you ever knowingly put your rocket scraps in the yellow beaujolais bottle bin just to brighten up your day?

Anything else?

I am open for business…..

Throw caution to the wind and tell the world your thoughts and fancies.

It’s free, it’s easy…..do it……..

Just by clicking on the ‘comment’ thingo and following the simple instructions. The place to write your gems is at the bottom of the last published comment. *A little bit of counsel for people new to this caper. Your email (just called ‘mail’ in this case) address does NOT come up on site. And just ignore the URL thingo.

DATELINE: Monday Jan 10. Murray-Darling Basin, Murrumbigee Irrigation Area Without Guaranteed Water, Leeton, NSW, Pacific Rim, Computer Terminal Reserved For Seniors, Leeton Library.

Hello, hello, hello…….tentative greetings once more from Australia’s most controversial Basin…….

Greetings again from a town rent asunder - a town where family members are at war with each other more than usual.

Some long to pack up and go live somewhere with 21st Century amenities like trees, handsome men and occasional inclines……

Others argue long into stinking hot nights that the importance of water for the cycle of life has always been hopelessly overstated:

‘I’m stayin’, I’m stayin’, I’m bloody well stayin’ – this is where I got my first sunstroke, this is where I got divorced (twice) and this is where I intend to get divorced again……I’m stayin’, I’m stayin’, I’m bloody well stayin’……….[by the way KJ, you busy Saturday night?]

[Hands Off Our Town: cr: Powerhouse Museum Collection: flickr]

Where do I stand?

Well, as one who’s never been a fence sitter [because of serious OH&S issues] and is not about to start now, I’ll tell you where…….

I want the uncertainty to end.

I want to know if my hometown will continue to provide the same level of services it has always prided itself on doing so……..

I want to be assured I’ll be able to get a Brazilian Wax in secure and pleasant surroundings…….

I want to be assured there’ll be able-bodied and filthy rich rice farmers to date……..

And I want to be assured that if those dates do not go to plan, I have easy access to mental health care teams.

This is the reality.

The reality behind the headlines, the politicking and the promises……

Country people have the right to Brazilian Waxes and love – just like their city counterparts.

Remember this next time you read, or hear, or watch a story about the Murray-Darling Basin Plan.

And let your imagination and emotions run free.

Empathy – not sympathy – PLEASE!

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Gosh, gosh, GOSH! I’m glad I got that off my chest.

I mean some people - they really don’t know what they’re talking about……..

How are you handling the usual January-driven uncertainties…..?

You know what I mean?

Will I go to Fiji or use the money to buy new blinds?

Will I accept that there is no God or continue going to Mass etc, etc, etc?

Always difficult.

My counsel? For the time being, just keep making the same mistakes. To change direction at present would just add to your stress.

Love to hear from you. Everything valid.

[Particularly if you're about to make a big mistake and want to be assured that you're on the right track.......trust me, I'll back you all the way....] 

Do report in by:

Just clicking on the ‘comment’ thingo and following the simple instructions. The place to write your gems is at the bottom of the last published comment. *A little bit of counsel for people new to this caper. Your email (just called ‘mail’ in this case) address does NOT come up on site. And just ignore the URL thingo.

Dateline: 26/12.1010: Leeton, NSW, Murrumbigee Irrigation Area, Murray-Darling Basin, Australia, The Pacific Rim.

Christmas has come and gone in a puff of trifle……

Gorgeous day considering what my local chronicle, ‘The Irrigator’, was reporting in it’s ’Peace & Goodwill To All’ edition.

It’s official.

My hometown is dangerous and chaotic – a God forsaken place where cruel nature and filthy politics have converged in a Perfect Mortein Storm……

To be brutally honest, I cannot guarantee I will be leaving here in one piece.

May I summarise the ‘The Irrigator’s’ Christmas Eve front page?

(1) There is a fruit fly plague of unprecented proportions.

The fruit fly [Fruitius Flyoffius Extremis] are as a big as guinea pigs and are swallowing peaches from backyard trees in one gulp.

The town is bathed in a low, thick cloud of Mortein.

Authorities are telling townsfolk Mortein is of no use against Fruitius Flyoffius Extremis. To no avail. In crisises, people want to, have to feel they’re doing something.

And they are: altering their gene pool forever.

(2) The first rain here for 10 years has brought with it more prestilence: Mossius Buzzoffius Extremis.

Have you ever heard of Barmah Fever?

Probably not.

And neither had I until December 24th……

…..When ‘The Irrigator’ warned that if just one Mossie Extremis gets through an innocent’s Mortein Armour, Barmah Fever will strike them down in an agonising combination of scourges – itchy scalp, full body 24-hour sweats, delusions of grandeur and, most terrifying of all, atrophy in the genital region.

Please God let me leave this place Barmah Fever free.

(3) The road between Wagga and Narrandera has been re-opened after the floods.

This has caused enormous problems for ex-Leetonites who’d  been promising loved ones they’d be back  for Christmas ‘if the road is open’ [which was looking very unlikely] 

Imagine their distress when mum or dad rang up:

‘Good news Rodney, the road’s all clear! We’ll be seeing you and Trish and the kids late Friday – can’t wait…….just can’t wait……’

Still, life goes on.

But only because country people are very resilient, very Mortein and Aeroguard resistant.

Another big take home message from around town:

You touch our water allocations and we’ll get bootloads of Fruitius Flyoffius and Mossius Buzzoffius Extremis – and dump ‘em right on the sails of the Opera House.

So there.

*Must say I thought it was a little OTT when a local hairdresser’s window carried this threat:

‘No Basin Cuts!’  [More Murray-Darling Basin angst....]

Well, well, well……

I vote. I pay my taxes. I generally stay within the law.

And if I want a basin cut, I expect you’d respect my inalienable right to get one!

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So, hope all is well in your patch. At least not as scary as it is here. I feel so inadequate. While people are running around selling fundraising raffle tickets for ’weekends for two ‘ in Barmah fever -free caravan parks, I am strangely immobilised.

Fear does that.

And so does two kilos of trifle, a side of pork, two trays of reindeer crackling – and, oh yes, cheeky libations: source unknown.

Do report in – your hopes and your dreams – your reality – is important to me and the nation. It’s free – it’s easy. Do it by…….

Just clicking on the ‘comment’ thingo and following the simple instructions. The place to write your gems is at the bottom of the last published comment. *A little bit of counsel for people new to this caper. Your email (just called ‘mail’ in this case) address does NOT come up on site. And just ignore the URL thingo.