KerrieJean.com

Dateline: Sydney, Australia, Friday June 11th, 2010.

Got back from Leeton Wednesday night but have only just woken up.

Still a bit iffy.

Low cumulus cover and one thunder clap at Wagga Wagga Airport set off a traditional free-floating pre-flight nervy. The last thing I remember is downing a handful of valium and ringing Gwennie to tell her how much I loved her……new perm.

What a wonderful trip!

I went to Leeton as a Woman and came back – still a Woman but with two high tech sound cards chock-a-block with honest, hard-working locals speaking openly of their hopes, dreams, fears, extra-marital affairs, water allocations, favourite rice recipes (Rice Medley, Festive Rice Ring) and deeply spiritual quests.

I asked everyone who gave so freely of their time:  Does God Know Leeton Exists?

A quick scan of my notes shows the community is split 50-50. But, I can break the deadlock – and I will!  Yes, yes, YES God knows Leeton exists and He sent his only draftsman Walter Burley Griffin to save it.

Highlights of the ‘embedded in Leeton’  freebie….sorry, ASSIGNMENT.

*The superb professionalism of The Producer. She wouldn’t let me smoke while conducting interviews and, in retrospect, I think her directive was harsh – but probably right in the circumstances.

*The raid on the Leeton-Whitton Crows dressing sheds on Sunday. So powerful was the testosterone aura I fainted and had to be carried out on a stretcher.

*Brazilian Wax, Tresses Salon. Don’t know why I didn’t have one years ago. Feel like Eve in The Garden Of Eden - Pre Original Sin.

Anyway, still a little disorientated…

AND there’s still so much heavy lifting to do for the upcoming kerriejean.com multi-platform series. 

I told The Producer I trusted her implicitly and was – albeit reluctantly – prepared to leave the editing, post-production, scripting, voiceover, on-line design, twittering, Facebook inserts and crazy rounds of pre-publicity interviews to her but she said:

Fat Chance!

Back to bed. Wobble, wobble, wobble……..[memo to self: see detox professional tomorrow if balance still not quite right]

Read on for the Leeton ’on location’ report……. 

***************************

Memories – like the calling of a name, misty water coloured memories - of the way weez were……

Dear, dear kerriejean.com supporters it is now 97 hours since I flew Air Valium from Sydney to the Riverina where I’m darting around – with Australia’s most experienced out-of-work comedy producer - plucking out material for my upcoming ground breaking multi-platform series. 

All funded by YOU.

What, WHAT can I say to convince you that the hired Hyundai hatchback, the prawn cutlet platters, the crazy round of rice paddy visits, the explosive reunions with old flames – and hard edged journalism - are a valid use of YOUR hard earned money?

Perhaps this piece of (visual) evidence?

(The centrepiece of Walter Burley Griffin’s vision for Leeton: Band Rotunda, Chelmsford Place. Cr: Shirmax: flickr)

Or perhaps this (non-visual) snippet?

*Could it have been only Saturday that I was running the gauntlet in Banna Avenue Griffith, investigating reports of Organised Swearing in a city which continues to refuse to lance its boils, cut out the cancer eating away at its very heart – AND giving the Australian television viewing public – with its insatiable appetite for stories which speak to the very heart of who we are – the best night in since ‘My Name’s McGooley, What’s Yours?’

All in all, a personal and professional rollercoaster……..

…..Which today threatens to reach new and dizzying heights with a vist to the world famous bird watchers’ paradise, the Fivebough Swamp, Bog And Wetlands.  

My host is none other than Mr Brent Lawrence whose seminal presentation ‘Leeton In Sixty Seconds’ is shown, discussed and debated at tourism industry seminars worldwide.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cdacvI0uRMU&feature=related

Today though, just two questions for Mr Lawrence:

The first:

So Mr Lawrence the Siberian Cranes come all the way from Russia – but why won’t a bloke even come 20 kms from Whitton to take me out?

I have no doubt Mr Lawrence will answer in the manner of the consumate professional he is.

But like most difficult interviews, I will leave my most controversial question to last.

Mr Lawrence, do you identify with the matinee idol, Forrest Tucker, who it is said loved nature in spite of what it did to him?

Apologies for such a quick report back….

It’s all go, go, GO.

My appointment book shows just for this morning – Mr Lawrence, ‘I Love Leeton’ intimate tattoo application, Walter Burley Griffin Memorial Water Towers re-enactment (Leeton High School students will be Tower 1, St Francis College students, Tower 2), Observation platform: Sunwhite Rice Cake processing line – Leeton Rice Mills.

As usual (sigh, sigh, sigh), I will still punch out a small hole in my windows of opportunities to read your posts.

Love to hear what’s happening in your patch (sigh, sigh, sigh) but to be honest I can’t think of anything that could beat what I’ve got going here.

Another thing – since I’ve been in Leeton I’m noticing a great improvement in my facial wrinkles and general jowl line. Gwennie (mum) says it because I’m packing on the weight but I truly think it’s more to do with my plummeting stress levels. You be the judge when the photos go up……

Just click on the ‘comment’ thingo and follow the simple instructions. The place to write your gems is at the bottom of the last published comment. *A little bit of counsel for people new to this caper. Your email (just called ‘mail’ in this case) address does NOT come up on site. And just ignore the URL thingo.

KJ’s OFFICIAL RIVERINA TOUR SCHEDULE ANNOUNCED!

(If you haven’t read the story at the end of this schedule please do so in the interests of comprehension)

Official Schedule:

Friday June 4th – 8:30am. Flight: Air Valium, Sydney-Wagga Wagga. 

Arrive Wagga Wagga 9:30am: Detox. Hire car to Holbrook. Secret (recorded) counselling session with resident Sister of St Joseph.

Friday, June 4th, 6pm. Triumph entry into Leeton. Ceremonial Booze Bus escort. Prawn Cutlet Reception, Leeton RSL.

Sat, June 5th, 11pm. Six-hour Pine Avenue  traditional lapping session in pink 1982 Holden panel van. *Official Cystic Fibrosis Rally car no 181.

Sun, June 6th, 1pm. Historic (for gender reasons) raid on the Leeton-Whitton Crows Australian Rules Football Club’s  ’rub down’ and pre-match hype up sheds - Leeton Showgrounds. 

Sunday, June 6th, 2pm. Front row deluxe grandstand seat (cushion provided), Leeton-Whitton Crows V Narrandera Imperial Eagles.

Sun, June 6th, 10pm. ‘Leeton By Night’ - Roo Shooting,  Brobenah Hills.

Tuesday, June 8th, 10:30 am. Full-body waxing session,  full-body body piercing,  full-body Juju Bed toxin removal, Tresses Salon, Pine Avenue Leeton.

Wednesday, June 8th: 3:oopm. Flight: Air Valium, Wagga Wagga-Sydney. Detox.

*  Just in: The Rev Kev releases KJ tour statement (see comments section).

* Pre Schedule Release Story below…..

It’s pathetic – even criminal – when self-obsession gets the upper hand.

Truly, I cannot believe I ever wrote this:

Kerrie Jean desperately wants you to participate in this blog.

At this time of life, another failure could be catastrophic. (September, 2008)

(KJ: ‘I am willing to strip myself bare…’ credit: Tracey Trompf)

Looking back, how silly, how childish because Boy O Boy have I got news!

Simply put, I am in receipt of a Highly Stimulatin’ Development Package from ABC Management. It’s a ‘no strings’ proposition and (just quietly) comes at the end of a  ‘take no prisoners’  dog-eat-dog competitive process.

Beat that!

If I felt like it, I could build a new ‘Kerriejean.com Trans Fat  Tuckshop’ at Leeton Primary School, I could a fund a Grong Grong bolt hole for my lesbian lover - or I could blow taxpayers’ monies on a couple of vials of botox or derma filler. 

*Ed’s note:  Just so you know I’m not kidding, I did secretly self-fund three vials of derma filler three months ago.

For the record – and if you’re a case of ‘derma filler just waiting to happen’ - the sixteen 52-centimetre-long  pre derma filler face deadening needles going right through my right lower cheek and emerging out the other did hurt a bit. 

But still, no pain, no gain.

In fact, so natural, so non-intrusive was my $1200 worth of Australian made derma filler, no one noticed any difference.  And that’s what you want, is it not?

Anyway, now is now and (can you believe it?) on Friday I’ll be jetting to the Riverina with a full set of jowls, a producer with more laughter lines than Charlie Chaplin - and enough hard cash to stay in whatever motels we want within a 1098 kilometre radius of Wagga Wagga.

Pacific Rim populace – in unison:

What for? It’s afterall my money you’re playing with? [I knew this'd come up, I just knew it.....sigh, sigh, sigh]

‘ALL RIGHT, steady on….to…to….to…bloody well collect what we call in the business ‘material’ for a groundbreaking on-airable, podcastable, on- lineable, twatable, facebookable, multi-platformable, demountable, Walkley Awardable COMEDY series.’

Thank you KJ, but I’m NOT convinced…..

Maybe you just wanna get outta town? 

……Things a ‘little hot’ presently?  Got a meta-narrative? Got a through line? Got ANYTHING on paper?

‘Thank you for asking Pacific Rim populace.  Just so happens I do…….[sigh, sigh, sigh]

The meta-narrative is that I’ve never understood why most Australians don’t think about - let alone have real affection - for Leeton.

So, I’m going to emotionally (and physically) strip myself naked in an attempt to discover whether my enduring – even crazed love – is based on cheap nostalgia  or something much more…….’

……Perhaps even – from teenagehood - my pathological inability to create a new and viable adult life…..

(Oh God, oh God, I’ve said it). 

So confronting is all this, the other day I broke down in my producer’s arms:

I truly don’t mind being stripped bare at every turn, but I fear peeling myself back only to find – like a cling peach on a canning line -  that I have no core.

Producer:  Shut up KJ! Even if you don’t conclude you’ll go back to Leeton to live, would you consider going there to die…?

God, this is hard. But I if I continue to peel myself back just a little every day, things could work out…..

So, while I write – freezing in just my sports brassiere and cottontails - this is what I’ve (potentially) got lined (potentially) up (potentially) thus far……

*Brazilian wax (Friday). Producer: Good work! I’m surprised you found someone to do it.

*Trip to Griffith to find someone to help me get back the $1200 dollars I blew on the derma filler (Tuesday).

*Visit to the Leeton-Whitton Crows dressing shed (Sunday). I sidled in there once as a teenager when post-match ’rubbing down’ was underway – only to be told that if I ever did it again, police would be called.

….I’d like to know, HAVE to know, whether things have changed re Riverina spatial gender relations.

What YOU can do to help with this project:

*Pray that the prop jet makes it to Wagga Wagga and that I keep my traditional in-flight valium dose right on the knife edge that is just between comatose and a panic induced front page making in-flight incident. 

*Tell everybody that KJ is striking a blow for women of a certain age and it’d be a crying shame if she peeled herself right back to her very core – and no-one gave a damm.

Finally, everyone can look forward to hearing from (and seeing a lot more of) my new manager, Jim.  He’s got his whole life ahead of him. I don’t think I could live with myself if I ruined that.

******So, a very special day for kerriejean.com, particularly when it comes to value adding. All reports from your patch welcome, plus the EXTRA pressure of suggestions for THE project. This is what you do:

Just click on the ‘comment’ thingo and follow the simple instructions. The place to write your gems is at the bottom of the last published comment. *A little bit of counsel for people new to this caper. Your email (just called ‘mail’ in this case) address does NOT come up on site. And just ignore the URL thingo.

Please do not read too much into what I’m about to tell you…..

Remember: ‘I was not a hero but just an ordinary girl who had a dream.’

And in 1974, the authorities at Leeton High School mandated that my dream could come true – but only if The Riverina’s Youngest Female Eunuch With The Most Potential moved fast – and only if Gwennie (mum) was up for it.

The historic mandate? 

That female HSC aspirants could finally -  if it did NOT go against their or their boyfriends’ religious or moral codes - wear pants. 

(KJ had a pants dream: Cr: cynstrom: flickr)

There was much to plan after the Pants Mandate came down. Intense lobbying started that very afternoon.

[KJ to Gwennie] I wanna be the first! I gotta be the first girl to wear pants to school.

[Gwennie] Why?

[KJ] Because I am going nowhere as a sex object but here’s my chance to shut up (names particularly bitchy types) when I come out loud and proud as Leeton’s trailblazing Female Eunuch….

As Jessica Watson knows, a dream is worth nought if you don’t have loved ones willing to share it  -  EVEN ready and willing to see you die in pursuit of it. 

And Gwennie knew her Young Female Eunuch With The Most Potential risked everything in the pursuit of her Pants Dream. But no matter.

Within the hour, Gwennie had relieved the Mates Emporium of  2.8 yards of 45 inch-wide regulation Leeton High School viscose/acrylic black and white check material, one black six-inch zipper, two black buttons and a pattern for (fetching) size 10 City Skyline Lounge Pants. Pants that were in the  ’high degree of difficulty’ Simplicity Patterns’ ’Sophisticates’ collection.

All through the night, Gwennie laboured over the City Skyline Lounge Pants.  She and her ’Singer’ had a date with history. And she and her ‘Singer’ would keep it. 

The morning dawned clear and frosty….

Perfect conditions for The Eunuch to enter the gates of LHS after which great things would unfold….

Surely the principal would demand a photographer from ‘The Irrigator’ come down immediately, surely over-excited students of both sexes would try to feel, (okay grope) The Eunuch’s City Skyline Lounge Pants, surely for matters of personal safety The Eunuch would be sent home until things calmed down.

This is what happened. 

As usual, Gwennie waved me off at around 8:30am.  Not before observing though that the City Skyline Lounge Pants were a bit tight in ‘THE crotch region’ but that could ‘POSSIBLY be fixed’.

She also observed that black and white checks could be ‘overpowering’ and ‘better suited to skirts’.

Her final observation?

Gee KJ, you look like a big DJ’s parcel. Good luck!

At school, nothing much happened………

Just a steady stream of those particularly bitchy types confirming that the City Skyline Lounge Pants were a bit tight ‘across the front’, they’d be getting their’s made in Wagga Wagga…..or they were not gunna wear pants ’cause Rodney and Jezza were dead against ‘em.

*I got one good season out of the historic City Skyline Lounge Pants. The tight crotch problem disappeared – under a size 22 black jumper.

The Riverina Eunuch With The Most Potential had gone feral. 

************************************************

Oh dear, FIZZERS…….aren’t they awful? I might as well confess – there’s a part of me that wants Jessica W to break down and admit she did pop into a spice market – or somesuch - on Cape Horn. That she did have have a night in a disco in Barbados or wherever…….

Go on, be honest.  TELL ME  you haven’t had the same thoughts (as unpalatable as they are).

So, if you’ve got any landmark personal FIZZERS – or sigh, dreams - you’d like to tell the world about, go ahead. NOT for therapeutic purposes mind - just so everyone can marvel at your stupidity.

And – as always -  reports from your patch are most welcome. Or let me put it this way - management says they are integral to the sucess of this whole undertaking! 

All posters take a deep breath…and just click on the ‘comment’ thingo and follow the simple instructions. The place to write your gems is at the bottom of the last published comment. *A little bit of counsel for people new to this caper. Your email (just called ‘mail’ in this case) address does NOT come up on site. And just ignore the URL thingo.

God help me…….. 

Another series of the risible MasterChef.  AND don’t even try laying the ‘you just don’t get it’ one on me…..

Call me self-obsessed, call me shallow, call me Peri-Demi-Semi Menopausal – call me anything you like but waiting around for four hours to see whether Amanda’s double crusted stingray tentacle stayed on the bed of triple dandelion infused cous cous – or fell off – is not my idea of even a passably pleasant night.

I like (no demand) that my culinary experiences are exciting, memorable……

It’s a family tradition going back to the sixties: a tradition underpinned by passion and natural yearnings to show love by saying unforgivable things around a huge laminex table groaning with iceberg lettuce, pesticide-enhanced tomatoes and the crowning glory – a four foot stack of devon. 

And make NO mistake, this was a family always looking for the next big thing.  

(The Next Big Thing! Cr: langleyo: flickr)

So when the ground breaking ’Red Steer’ Restaurant opened in Wagga Wagga, Hec and Gwennie, and their five partly grain fed girls, were among the first through the two colossal horns framing its imposing teak stained plywood door.

Inside, a clever use of space: tables and chairs placed at seven-inch intervals.

The spectacular backdrop?

A state-of-the-art 150 foot long stainless steel grill appliance capable of  shooting  flames to ceiling height. Framing it, a massive glass ‘open’ counter filled with six tonnes of crushed ice and 19 tonnes of prime Riverina beast.   

After being seated by the ‘Red Steers” smiling young staffers (dressed in impeccable fire resistant overalls), gourmand Hec came into his own.

‘Magnificent, bloody MAGNIFICENT. IT’S called a self-cook flame grill kids - which means……..

…….I get to pick what we’re havin’ and I get to cook it….’

Before (by then) a very flushed Gwennie even has a chance to say: ‘Be careful, we all love you on payday,’ Hec’s gone…….

……Only to emerge 30 seconds later from the slaughterhouse cum kitchen, sporting a (big) regulation chef’s hat and full white apron which is (unfortunately) a bit small.  Which mean the ties are straining at his bum. 

But, in the scheme of things, that’s nothing. 

Because other families trying to celebrate shotgun engagements or cancer all-clears are shocked to see our personal chef demonstrating Samurai-like two handed knife skills while lurching towards the beast cabinet.

Hec’s repeatedly waving an abattoir grade knife high in the air, bringing it down hard on an industrial size sharpening stone.

The noise – the overall effect - is blood curdling but thankfully no-one has to endure it for long.

Because within 40 seconds,  the ‘Red Steer’s’ most audacious self-cook-flame-griller has thrown seven (’one each’), eight pound T-bones at the furnace. 

Then bravely, even petulantly - with just one small spatula at his disposal – Hec’s desperately trying to control the (a) sudden surge in fire activity (b) white hot globules of  fat coming straight at him and (c) clear and present dangers threatening his dignity. 

The ‘Red Steer’ is suddenly quiet:

Has THIS Master Chef, this man of passion and nerves of steel, finally gone TOO FAR?

Thrilled to report - a resounding NO.

*We returned to the ‘Red Steer’ on several occasions during the next few years. It was always good. But while no-one dared say it the magic of that very first visit could NEVER be recaptured.

*********************************************

So, so where to now…..? You’re very welcome to come in here and tell me that ‘MasterChef’ is brilliant – because anyone who knows me will assure you I’m pretty broadminded…….and one of the things I hold dear about kerriejean.com is its role as a forum for the free exchange of opinions/ideas – however whacky.

And do I need to say it? It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy when folks just report in on what’s happening in their lives. Trust me, the very first mistake you’d make would be to think: ‘Why the hell would I do that?’ So…..go on.

All posters take a deep breath…and just click on the ‘comment’ thingo and follow the simple instructions. The place to write your gems is at the bottom of the last published comment. *A little bit of counsel for people new to this caper. Your email (just called ‘mail’ in this case) address does NOT come up on site. And just ignore the URL thingo – just ignore it

My friend and I always enjoy our outings……

Do you like my new bag? I ask…as we line up to enter the temple of Mr Cohen.

It’s quite nice KJ, although it does look a bit like you’re carrying a uterus………

My friend no longer has the power to hurt.

Not since she arranged a luncheon so I could meet a women who’d availed herself to a very cost-effective face lift at the Bumrungrad International Hospital in Bangkok. I have Dr Preeyaphas Nilubol’s card if you’re interested. And yes, he’s a whizz if you have a lazy five grand….

MY FRIEND AND I (AND MY NEW UTERUS) TAKE OUT SEATS IN THE TEMPLE OF MR COHEN………..

 Credit: Michael Foley; flickr

Who are all these other people?…..my friend asks….I don’t think they’ve been out since they tried to get arrested at a Moratorium march….. (more…)

VOTING NOW OPEN IN THE WEBLOG AWARDS. JUST CLICK ON THIS AND SCROLL DOWN AND CLICK ON KJ. THANKS FROM KJ

http://2008.weblogawards.org/polls/best-australia-or-new-zealand-blog/

As our dear correspondent, Dimentagon, always puts it: You find me FEELING Leeton. And what a feel UP it is. I am writing this in a quiet corner of the magnificent facility that is Leeton’s Major Dooley Library.  (more…)