KerrieJean.com

KJ had always dreamed that this site would be a forum for ideas and vigorous debate, reflecting the ethos of its host, ABC Radio National.

It is with pride, then, that I introduce you to The Prof, from the Institute Of Advanced Studies. The Prof had been denied the right to present these views in what he hoped would have been a two-hemisphere speaking tour (with signer).

In Praise of Conjugal Rights, or Why a Little More Kant could Save Your Marriage.

Marriage is a contract between two people for the mutual use of the sex organs declared the German philosopher Immanuel Kant more than 200 years ago.

Kant himself was a confirmed bachelor, and we know little of what use he made of his sex organs, let alone anyone else’s.

His definition of marriage has been ridiculed ever since. But here at the Institute for Advanced Studies, we think it has a lot to recommend it.

The Institute conducts regular in-depth focus groups on pressing social issues employing a world’s-best-practice research methodology, viz: get a bunch of punters together, fill them up with the electric soup and set them loose on a subject.

It will come as no surprise that if the punters are around the fifty mark, sex is a top of mind issue – or bottom of drawer, depending on gender.

Take any group of chaps with those greying temples which, according to Raymond Chandler, women find irresistible. Engage them in conversation around the BBQ while you scorch a sausage or two.

You will soon discover a distressing truth: they are not getting the sort of access to their beloveds’ organs which they would wish.

Raymond Chandler was a fine writer, but he knew more of scotch-and-rye and speak-easies than he did of love. Greying temples are no guarantee of action in the conjugal cot.

Let us leave the chaps to their beer for a moment, and move inside. Their female partners – how we at the Institute hate that word – are deep in conversation over beakers of booze. Amidst the discussion of hot flushes, cold feet and whether or not Thailand or Laos is better for Botox, certain common themes emerge:

At my age you just become invisible to men : when I walk down the street the heads don’t turn anymore: this is the age when men all have affairs with someone from Marketing.

The Institute has only one thing to say.

Girls, get over it!

You are not invisible to the moderately grizzled man who shares your bed.

Nor has familiarity inured him to your charms.

A glimpse of your naked form as you emerge from the shower, like Botticelli’s Venus from the waves, is enough to get him all in a lather.

The man in your life does not find suddenly find himself in the stationery cupboard clambering hotly over Emily from Marketing because he no longer finds you attractive.

It is because he is not getting to clamber hotly over you.

In other words, there has been a breach of contract. Use of the organs is being denied.

The Institute has given long consideration to this issue. It has reviewed a number of solutions drafted by our consultants, as follows:

1: THE OWNER OPERATOR

The advantages of this solution are that it is free, quick, and involves no other parties. Only one’s own organs, or organ, is required.

Knocking one up under the shower is second nature to most men, and generally has a calming effect for a few hours at least.

But in these days of water shortages we would not like to think that the temporary relief afforded to men in Sydney and Brisbane came at the cost of abandoned farms and ruined livelihoods in the Murray-Darling basin.

Moreover, Kant himself did not approve of this harmless activity, on the grounds that it involved treating oneself as a means rather than an end.  We will leave you to figure that one out.

2: THE OUTSOURCING SOLUTION

Again this has much to recommend it, not least that it has been endorsed by the Honourable Member for Goulburn and former Head of the Office for the Status of Women, Pru Goward, who once declared that she would rather her husband visit a sex worker than have an affair.

We at the Institute can only agree. This, is however, a more costly solution than the owner-operator, and since many councils discriminate against sex workers in residential areas, may involve travel, with the associated environmental impacts.

3: THE RETURN OF CONJUCAL RIGHTS

The clear advantages of this solution make it the Institute’s preferred option. Again, it is free, carbon-neutral, and precludes the need for cupboards, recriminations, and/or divorce.

Moreover, it can be implemented at home, and should only take about 15 minutes – or less, in some cases. And afterwards he will be more than happy to a) take the kids to the park b) do the shopping c) mend the back gate.

Who knows, you might even enjoy it.

Women of Australia, in the words of those well-known philosophers from across the Tasman, the Conchords: It’s business time.

Over to you……..