KerrieJean.com

Dearie me, plug those kerfuffle valves, mercy mercy, mercy…….Serenity Now!

For before us - and particularly for *Gwennie – these will be the most difficult of days…..

Personally, I haven’t been as fraught since I was thrown out of the Roxy Theatre in 1974 with my date – a Yanco Agricultural High School Rugby League superstar.  

The crime?

Multiskilling. Watching ‘The Godfather’ and having a quick grope while being under the official insidious Nanny State ‘The Godfather’ viewing age of 18.

Pathetic, unfair, criminal. [As if Gwennie would have wanted to be provide 'grope parental guidance' (GPG), as if!]

Anyway, now is now…… and Red N’ Ready and Mr Ab-Do-Man have got three horses’ heads in their beds:  those of Messrs Katter, Windsor and Oakeshott. 

And make no mistake, everybody in rural Australia wishes that Bob (Seat of Camelot 1), Tony (Seat of Camelot 2) or Rod (Seat of Camelot 3) was their rep.

[Camelot: The hottest seat in town. Cr: Ken McCown: flickr]

So much so that last night I dreamt that Bob The Kat - the man with the glorious Future Shock of  hair that The Mousse Man, Mr Tim Mathieson, will surely be working on by 2pm today – was the Independent for Riverina.

In my dream, I was head of the ’The Ministry Of Fear’  – dispatched by Red N’ Ready and Mr Ab-Do-Man to find out what Bob The Kat’s demands were for the seat of Camelot 1.

This is what he told me:

‘KJ, of  all the places in Camelot 1, I love the Leeton the mostest…..

Chockablock with good, fine people…….

Tell Red N’ Ready and Mr Ab-Do-Man that this is what they demand, what they deserve……..

NOT to be given fast broadband but for everyone to BECOME Very, Very, Very Fast Broadband……

Babies delivered at Leeton Hospital will have access to the latest technology as their birthright……… 

A keyboard surgically attached to their tummies which will receive signals from a base station at Grong Grong….

Leeton will be the first rural community on the Pacific Rim where everyone’s middle name will be their Broadband signal…..

For example:  Cory Grong Grong 34567 Dodds, Sarah Grong Grong 34897 Morgan.

Because everyone in Leeton IS Very, Very, Very Fast Broadband, life will change KJ – for the very, very, VERY betterest….

Mass at St Joseph’s? Two minutes with communion, 45 secs without. Aussie Rules games? One quarter. NO time on. A typical date with a crumbed king prawn cutlet supper?  Forty five seconds with tartare sauce, 29 without.  Intimate conjugal activites? Four seconds – down from nine.

What this all means KJ is that the good folk of Leeton will have much, much, mucherest morest time to do the things that count…….

……Day trips to day spas in Wagga Wagga, bacchanalian pizza nights in Griffith, educative family excursions to ‘The Home Of The Kelpie’ town, Ardlethan…..

Tell ‘em KJ, you tell ‘em……..

AND while you’re at at it, tell ‘em the good townsfolk of Leeton want the life blood of a fairly big bit of Australia, the complete Murray-Darling system, diverted their way.

They wanna put a record rice crop in…….

Not too bloody much to ask……not bloody much at all…..’

*Gwennie (mum). Last sighted doing her own heart stress test – wandering up Pine Avenue yelling:

If Abbott becomes PM, I will live, if THAT ABBOTT becomes PM, I WILL live……to have another perm!!!

Test results? Inconclusive.  (God, God, GOD!)

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Oh dear, please feel free to talk among yourselves about anything…..

I am in no fit state to check my derma filler levels let alone lead a democratic discussion.

*If anything good can be taken away from all of this it is:

The fact that all of us still have the services of Under The Table Top Man (UTTTM), kerriejean.com’s political and diplomatic correspondent. UTTTM will be under all of the the tables that count all week. 

Thank you UTTTM and Keep Cool.

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Oh yes, there is something else………

Coming Soon!

An historic development for kerriejean.com: the simultaneous release on-line, on the airwaves - and on Corey Grong Grong 34567 Repeater Dodds - of the ground breaking, controversial series:

SOMETHING IN THE HAIR

[Cr: National Library Of Congress: flickr]

SOMETHING IN THE HAIR

*Narrated by stage and screen superstar, Mr Colin Moodie .

SOMETHING IN THE HAIR

 Follows the gripping and pathetic escapades of a 50-year-old journalist…..

She’s broken down, busted, kaput.

SOMETHING IN THE HAIR

And she’s returning to her hometown looking for advice and succour.

SOMETHING IN THE HAIR

I’ll tell you one thing for free: I’d hate to be in her shoes!

SOMETHING IN THE HAIR

On, in and all over kerriejean.com SOON!

*****In the meantime, go on……..gouge a few minutes out of your obscenely frantic life and join the kerriejean.com commentariat…..
Just click on the ‘comment’ thingo and following the simple instructions. The place to write your gems is at the bottom of the last published comment. *A little bit of counsel for people new to this caper. Your email (just called ‘mail’ in this case) address does NOT come up on site. And just ignore the URL thingo.

DON’T dare tell me this is a Democracy……..

Not when millions of law abiding, line dancing country people are denied a basic right – to exciting, even mildly interesting, elections.

This Saturday will be NO different.

Take for example the seat of Shorthorn……….

Shorthorn constituents - ‘we pay our bloody taxes’ will be, as per usual, shouting ‘BOUT TIME at  tellies when Kerry O’B or Antony G deign mention that sitting member Murray Grey (Nat) has defied Science, God and a local locust plague  to be returned for the 19th time with an increased majority of 98 percent.

[Door knocking in the seat of Shorthorn - cr: Robert Scarth: flickr]

This time though, it was Murray’s personal crusade  – for community fundraising barbeques serving local roadkill, that really resonated.

[KO'B] And what’s that up on the tally board? Something new! Antony?

Indeed Kerry. This is the first time since Federation that the Greens have fielded a candidate in the seat of Shorthorn. Jacinta Buckley is an organic truffle grower. She moved to Shorthorn last week with her Immigration lawyer husband, Jeremy. Jacinta’s picked up 000000000000.4% with a couple of truffles still unaccounted for.

And Labor?

Indeed Kerry. This is the 16th time the sole Labor councillor in the electorate of Shorthorn, sewage plant middle manager, Will Power, has contested Shorthorn.

As usual, he’s run on his ‘ Meet The By-Pass Man’ slogan. Will wants 23 By-Passes built in Shorthorn by the turn of the century and he wants local hospitals to do By-Passes so people feigning heart attacks will stop using the Flying Doctor Service for shopping excursions……

Will always picks up about 0.0000007% and it’s NO different this time……

Indeed Antony. And we’ll leave Shorthorn at that…..

So, come Saturday when you’re connnected to plasma drips and tellies feeling important because Kerry and Antony are close to self-combustion when YOUR seat comes up for scrutiny for the 124th time, spare a thought for the people in Shorthorn -  forlorn, forgotten…….

*Just quietly though, word is that Will Power’s traditional election night DEFEAT party is a ripper!

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So, I trust you’re all itching for an exciting week….Gwennie is. She’s predicting a colossal swing to Labor of 0.000000002 percent in her shorthorn seat of Riverina. Good luck Gwennie!

*KJ’s Poll Week Pro-Democracy Week Cover*

Continuous coverage all week from kerriejean.com’s diplomatic & political correspondent, Under The Table Top Man (UTTTM).

[Cr Trevor Coultart: flickr]

UTTTM has been under the table where and when it’s counted – the Treaty of Versailles, Mark Latham’s fortieth, Kevin Rudd’s gall bladder surgery, Ikea’s Spring catalogue launch……..

AND he’ll be under the table for you all this week.

So, follow UTTM’s under the table reports right up to and including Poll Day 2010 (in comments section).

And, of course, your world doesn’t stop while ‘Australia Decides’. On the contrary. So, please report in with news from your patch. It really is important – to me (and my bosses).

Poignant memories of country elections past would not only be welcomed but treasured…… 

Just click on the ‘comment’ thingo and following the simple instructions. The place to write your gems is at the bottom of the last published comment. *A little bit of counsel for people new to this caper. Your email (just called ‘mail’ in this case) address does NOT come up on site. And just ignore the URL thingo.

Dateline:  Thursday, 1.12pm.

FOUR Iron Men have just left my small domestic premises.

Description:  TWO electricians, TWO plumbers.

Age group: 30-76.

Demeanour: Supremely confident, business like.

Physiques: Interderminate. Weights: 68-179 kilos.

Reason for visit: Broken hot water system.

Time taken for Diagnostic/Remedial Challenges: 3 mins 2 secs. (HOT switch, HOT fuse, HOT everything).

Approach to work:  I’ve NEVER seen anything like it…..

* My telly hadn’t been working for four days and Iron Man Electrician took it upon himself to sort the problem out.  Time taken:  One minute 59 secs.

While Iron Man electrician #1 pulled and pushed dangerous leads at breathtaking speed, the three others stood reverently – with arms crossed – watching intently a True Champion and fuzzy screen.  So awestruck was one Iron Man plumber he looked at me, winked and said:  He’s THE BEST, ya know!

Before I had time to regain my equilibrium and say ‘thank you Iron Men’ they were gone – lost in the jingle jangle of their tool belts……..

…..Onto their next gruelling leg: The ‘Dripping Ceiling Challenge ‘ in nearby Rozelle.

THANK YOU IRON MEN.

(Now, read on IF you haven’t already done so…..)

So Tony Ab-Do-Man had 17 hours to swim a couple of kilometres, cycle a fair few more –  and run another 40 or so….?

BIG DEAL!

This is a typical 17 hours in the day of the late, unsung Riverina Iron Man champion, Hector John Ross.

*Hec competed in and won – by margins of up to 11 hours - thousands of Iron Men classics during the period 1962-79. 

(Family heirloom: Iron Man Hec’s stopwatch. cr: Kat: flickr)

Hec’s daily Iron Man schedule:

*5:30am.  The ‘What Fresh Hell Is This?’ leg?

Alarm goes off -  very bad expletive, very bad expletive, very bad expletive.

Hec, a great fan of the spooning position, extricates himself from the loving arms of Gwennie. Showers. Sounds of ‘There’s no bloody hot water’ echo through his domain.

Dons regulation vertical fly Iron Man Y-Fronts….

……Proceeds to kitchen – assembles ’carbo’ laden Iron Man breakfast of seven boiled eggs, 15 pieces of ‘Mrs Harrison’s Bakery’ toast and eight gallons of  black tea.

Already psyching himself up for the next gruelling leg, Iron Man Hec is heard chanting: 

Christ Almighty (burnt toast), Christ Almighty (hard eggs), CHRIST ALMIGHTY! (life in general).

Silence returns. For Hec is already onto his next Iron Man event……

*6:40 am. The ‘Makin’ A Bob’ leg.

And he’s away to a sensational start! Spectators (neighbours) are simultaneously thrilled and horrified to witness Iron Man Hec manouevre his competition modified vessel of conveyance, Holden sedan CLU 295, out the carport backwards at 95 miles an hour while plucking nose hairs.

The action in the  ’Makin’ A Bob’ leg is centred on the state-of the art facility that is the Letona Co-operative Cannery.

And for the next eight hours Staff Superintendent Iron Man Hec is pushing his mental and physical self to extreme, if not downright dangerous, levels.

Iron Man event officials are soon reporting that Hec’s already investigating why women on the two fruits line are fainting in droves.  Within seconds, he’s written ‘124 degree heat’ on his clipboard.

Moments later, he’s checking whether numerous reports of a night shift knee trembler in the high-security Sugar Room storage vault are correct - or vexacious. Swift conclusion: ‘Dunno’. 

And then – only minutes later – he’s spun around to the the canteen for his routine energy fix: two gallons of  tea and eight slices of  master chef  Mr Roberts’ famous ginger fluff.

*Mr Roberts received an Australian Canning Industry Award in 1969: ‘Best Ginger Fluff For Facility Employing 750-1200 Seasonal Workers’.

…….On and on Iron Man Hec goes. Exhausted officials are amazed to see him complete his ‘Makin’ A Bob’ leg precisely at 4pm. He’s already in CLU 295, roaring up Pine Avenue for his final event .

*4:03 pm. ‘The Leeton Hotel Iron Man Challenge’.

Note: Iron Man Hec’s remarkable performances in his final leg are still the topic of lively discussion at the highest levels of Riverina Iron Man circles.

The consenus is that Hec was a Freak:  not only physically superb - but showing signs of genius as well.

He kept his best until last.

‘The Leeton Hotel Challenge’ always saw Hec waste his opponents.

No contest…..

Legend is that during one particularly gruelling challenge,  Hec even argued (unsuccessfully) that a last-minute duck shooting leg at Tuckerbill Swamp be incorporated.

Hec always executed his final task in  ‘The Leeton Hotel Challenge’  – manoeuvring CLU 295 into the carport - with breathtaking aplomb….

… Even with the extra burden of carrying gifts for loved ones - 23 Cherry Ripes -  between his teeth.

Exactly 17 hours after starting the ‘What Fresh Hell Is This?’ leg of his Iron Man journey Hec is (yet again) declared Champion and (yet again) eschews the limelight, slipping away to bed.

Note: Even though the competitive events were over,  I know Iron Man Hec kept his punishing training regime going.

Decades later he was to say with a twinkle in his eye:

I only had to touch the bottom of Gwennie’s nightie and a man knew we’d been turning up at Leeton Hospital nine months later…

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So a big cheerio to all of Australia’s unsung Iron Man heroes. How do you do it? I really don’t know but I’ve witnessed your feats first hand and feel tired just thinking about them..

So, it’d be good to hear from (or about) Iron Men but if there’s none out there I’m not too worried….

The truth?

I’d love to hear about anything interesting (or so darn boring it’s criminal) happening in your life…..

It’s lovely to look forward to hearing from you……it really is……..

*Just in case you missed it, here’s the link to the magnificent secret footage of a North Coast Men’s Group weekend sent in by our wonderful correspondent, Hence The Hermit. If you’ve got similar multi- media gems in your possession please hand them over to KJ. NOW PLEASE!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uet0Vn76UP8

All posters take a deep breath…and just click on the ‘comment’ thingo and follow the simple instructions. The place to write your gems is at the bottom of the last published comment. *A little bit of counsel for people new to this caper. Your email (just called ‘mail’ in this case) address does NOT come up on site. And just ignore the URL thingo – just ignore it.