KerrieJean.com

Dear Australians,

Particularly the 0.7% of you who think the top sort I share my life with is doing a good job…….

There’s lots of chit chat about the national broadcaster’s modest four-parter, ‘At Home With Julia’.

Isn’t it about time I was asked what I think?

Thank you.

Here goes………

I like a good laugh [who doesn't?]

And, trust me, the most important part of a hairdresser’s day is hosing down panic stricken clients [I said bob not swab!] with soothing talk about what’s hot – and what’s not – on telly. 

……I can’t tell you how many hours I spent chair side in Shepparton debating the urgent gender issues raised by ‘Buffy The Vampire Slayer’.

To [sigh] ’At Home With Julia’.

I have been miscast, misread - badly.

I am certainly not feeling superfluous to national – or domestic – requirements.

Quite the opposite.

I have never ever been in the unenviable possie of having to beg for a stupid, self respect draining ’date night’ .    

I adore hanging out in The Lodge. 

[Tim: 'It's more like this.' Cr: State Library Archives, Florida: flickr]

If I’m not flat out with official duties - Patron: National Prostate & Groin Region Festival, Patron: National Colorbond Men’s Shed Cult – I  just kick back……

…..Enjoying sharing Pantene jokes with the help has become a bit of a ritual: 

‘Mr Matheison, your 24 freebies haven’t arrived yet for the AFL Grand Final/Deniliquin Ute Muster/Manuka TAFE Eagles Tribute Night but I’ve been assured they will….’

‘Don’t worry Derek – it won’t happen overnight but it will happen……’ [giggles all around]

On the international front, I adore, simply adore my understated ‘Woolmark coat and Woolmark scarf’ appearances with Julia at the top of the steps of our RAAF jet…whoosh!

Then, I get to inspect lines and lines of welcoming military top brass in their fancy dress uniforms.

If they’re from a regime that I’ve been warned is a bit ‘iffy’ I always do a bit of extra strong eyeballing.  [Until now, I haven't told anyone this, no one......]

Anyway, I could go on and on……….

It is disappointing, even hurtful, to be so misrepresented.

The truth is:

I’m having the time of my life.

And just one more thing.

I’ll keep doing so until that ‘no fun’ Kevin and his missus put a stop to it.

***********************************

Don’t you agree……Mr Mathieson, as portrayed in At Home With Julia, is ‘all wrong’?

How long do you think his lease on The Lodge has got to go?

Will he get his bond back?

Do approval rating from thousands of ‘unknowns’ matter when you’re in love?  Personal experience tells me not at all, not at all.

Do be in touch…….it’d be great. Do it now by:

Just clicking on the ‘comment’ thingo and following the simple instructions. The place to write your gems is at the bottom of the last published comment. *A little bit of counsel for people new to this caper. Your email (just called ‘mail’ in this case) address does NOT come up on site. And just ignore the URL thingo.

Dear Julia,

I note you are about to turn 50……

…Just before what we all regard as sassy, silly September turns into odious, over-wrought October.

The worst thing you could do is let the the press,  judiciary, caucus, cabinet, opposition, border protectionists, goths, punks, pensioners, nudists [and, for that matter, people who like to rug up] let your current difficulties ruin what is – for all women – a  terrific achievement.

Because you’re so busy I’ve taken it upon myself to suggest what I think would be a fun – and appropriate – way to celebrate.

Venue:

If indeed you are still Prime Minister on September 29th, you’re seemingly spoilt for choice – The Lodge or Kirribilli House. 

I’m recommending neither.  

In a stunning display of access and equality not witnessed since Ben Chifley chose to bunk down in spartan Youth Hostel unisex dormitories during parliamentary sittings your televised fiftieth will be held in the backyard of your modest brick veneer cottage in Melbourne’s Western Suburbs.

Guest list:

One fifty-year-old red headed community-minded woman from every electorate in Australia.

That makes 150 guests.

['Ladies and gentlemen we are crossing to Altona where the PM's 50th birthday party is really hotting up....'
cr: National Library, Wales: flickr]

Google Earth tells me that facilities at Altona will be stretched but everyone should fit if the 150 community minded red-headed women aged 50 are all 100 kilos or less.

This might sound harsh – even discriminatory –  but no one wants their 50th marred by a big hole suddenly opening up in the lounge room or gazebo.     

Catering:

The representative fifty-year-old red heads bring one plate each.

The culinary theme?

Our coat of arms.

I can think of NO better visuals that 150 plates of emu and kangaroo inspired dishes.

To say the symbolism is potent would be an understatement – to wit:

‘It is thought the kangaroo and emu were chosen to symbolise a nation moving forward, reflecting a common belief that neither animal can move backwards easily.’ [ed's note: from Dept of Foreign Affairs website]

Drinks:

NO alcoholic drinks.

Giving hard liquor to 150 hot tempered 50-year-old red headed women [most with very little to lose] would be irresponsible to say the least.

Speakers:

NO speeches.

For what is there to say?

….That things get tricky mortality wise from now on in?

…..That men still find Helen Mirren in a bikini alluring - but not you?

……….That you should look on the bright side because if you’d be born in the 17th Century you’d have been dead long ago?

To reaffirm, NO speeches.

So Julia, what do you get out of my party plan?

Simple…..

The highest rating three hours of live television coverage in our history.

You finally cut through…….

At your historic prime ministerial 50th you stand up [sporting a pair of big red kangaroo ears] and say to the nation:

‘Thanks for comin’ along… all of youse…..’

History records that those seven simple words had a remarkable impact. 

And thus resumed in earnest what proved to be the longest tenure of any Australian Prime Minister – ever.

***********************

Look, I think my plan is great but if you have any better ideas for Julia’s 50th I’m quite happy to hear from you.

Any remarkable memories from your fiftieth?

To tell you the truth mine was pretty low key. A couple of men came along but left early claiming terminal boredom. How rude can people get?

But anyway, let’s keep our levels of optimism up.

Afterall, life is what you make it……

And right now I’m fairly buoyant – expecting to hear any moment from the Department of Prime Minister and Cabinet’s protocol officers begging me to expand on my ‘Julia At 50′ proposal.

You?

As usual, feel free to report in.

You are very, very welcome but there’s no need for me to go on and on about it……is there……?

Do it by:

Just clicking on the ‘comment’ thingo and following the simple instructions. The place to write your gems is at the bottom of the last published comment. *A little bit of counsel for people new to this caper. Your email (just called ‘mail’ in this case) address does NOT come up on site. And just ignore the URL thingo.

I’m bamboozled…….

I awake to a screaming headline in the Sunday Tele:

JULIA….WILL YOU MARRY ME?

Only to immediately find that the source of the headline, Mousse-Man-In-Lodge, Mr Tim Mathieson, ‘is yet to discuss’ his high hopes with our PM.

Well, Mousse-Man-In-Lodge I have only one thing to say to you:

‘Get a grip.’

Because plainly, running around an already feverish Post-Budget nation telling anyone who’ll listen that you have sensational marriage plans while failing to inform your ‘intended’ is at best, unsettling, at worst, downright loopy.

Mr Mousse-Man-In Lodge, you need urgent help.

Never fear though…….

As Ambassador or Honorary Consul or Number One Ticketholder or Celebrity Hairdresser or somesuch for the trailblazing DIY therapy cluster, the Men’s Shed Movement, may I suggest you jump the bus to your old home town and avail yourself to the wisdom of the kind fellas in the Shepparton Shed?

They’ll sort you out.

Within 24 hours they’ll have your Wedlock Un-Deadlocked.

['National Stimulus:Cr: Library of Congress: flickr]

There you’ll be in the cosy Shepparaton Men’s Shed…..making a new bedside table, all under the watchful eye of retired master carpenter, Joseph of Shepparton.

‘Just kept goin’ Mousse-Man-In Lodge….it doesn’t have to perfect……life’s not perfect…..just keep goin’ and keep thinkin’ about what you’re gunna say to ya beautiful lady when ya get home…..’

And Joseph of Shepparton is right.

Soon, a composed and clear-minded Mousse-Man-In-Lodge is home.

In the drawing room, he’s standing next to a handcrafted, roughly hewn bedside table which has been covered with a spare Australian Flag.

In walks Julia.

‘I have something to say to you my [and Australia's] numero ono defacteroo…….’

Julia – rejuvenated from her weekly tussle with Bob Brown – smiles…….

Mousse-Man-In-Lodge whisks the flag off his bedside table……

‘Julia will you marry me and accept this roughly hewn bedside table as a sign of my ardour…..’

‘Yes Tim, I will – and while the little table is by no means perfect – I LOVE it…..’

And that ladies and gentlemen and taxpayers of Australia, is how IT will happen.

Stop Press:

The Sunday Tele followed up its Wedlock/Deadlock scoop with an editorial:

Make your move, Tim:

Tim Mathieson looks like a man who wants to ask the most important question of his life but is anxious about how it will turn out…….

But the signs are good Tim.

As a couple, you seem to have been toying with the idea since your stay at the Shepparaton Men’s Shed [sorry my mistake!] since the Royal Wedding, and Julia has indicated she’s old-fashioned enough to wait to be asked.

So go on, Tim.

Just show her the bedside table (sorry my mistake!)….just ask her.

*****Original screaming headline story:

http://www.dailytelegraph.com.au/news/will-you-marry-me-julia/story-e6freuy9-1226055937846

********************************************************

Gee, relationships are complex……

I’ve never been married but there’s still time. Apparently life on a double pension is much easier than a single one……with the spiralling cost of electricity, bananas and the like.

Anyone out there married?

If you’ve got a poignant (or pathethic) proposal story please proceed to our comments section now……and tell Australia all about it….

And if you think you know the date of the biggest wedding in Australia since Dr Edelsten and the beautiful Brynne, please report in….

By just clicking on the ‘comment’ thingo and following the simple instructions. The place to write your gems is at the bottom of the last published comment. *A little bit of counsel for people new to this caper. Your email (just called ‘mail’ in this case) address does NOT come up on site. And just ignore the URL thingo.

The last time I disported my pert little frame in blue jeans was June 12th, 2007.

At work.

But then, at precisely 17:16, the office stalker appeared:

‘KJ, you’ve passed over….’

‘Nice to see you sweetie. So, so……I’ve been passed over for promotion?  BIG DEAL!’

‘Not at all KJ. What I’m saying is that there comes a time when women look anything but great in blue jeans.

‘And they should face reality: they’ve passed into another place, a place where they really, really should explore new styles, new demeanours. 

‘At best, you in jeans screams: mutton dressed as schnitzel. At worst: Cheap, cheap, CHEAP!’

[In every life, there comes a time.......cr: bsdfm: flickr]

Harsh – but after reflection – fair.

My jeans came off - and stayed off.

SO, very, very disturbing to see Miss G and The Mousse Man presenting grossly inappropriately just after signing the lease on The Lodge.

[Warning: Disturbing pictorial material included in this supplement: http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2010/09/26/3022207.htm]

Trust me.

They should [and will] be hauled before be an ugly Senate Estimate’s Committee grilling.

Senator 1:  ‘Did you and The Mousse Man choose of your own free will to both look ridiculous patting each others’ blue jeaned bums near the carp pond in the backyard of The Lodge?’

Senator 2: ‘And exactly whose idea was it to render those unisex jeans even more appalling by coupling them with mid-price-range jackets?’

Senator 3: ‘Unbloodybelievable!

‘I’m from a country town.

‘EVERYBODY KNOWS……THAT MIDDLE-AGED COUPLES….

‘….who dye their hair a lot and wear matching jeans and massive baubles which they say are authentic Navaho ‘get rich as a personal right’ totems and rent out modified shipping containers on the Gold Coast and fork out $25,000 of other people’s money to have colonic irrigation and claim their daughter, Beautiful Boop, is on the Target catwalks in Perth and their investment in a Indian Double Drip Irrigation Innovation made ‘em 1450 percent last year………..

‘ARE TO BE AVOIDED AT ANY COST…….’

*So, an extraordinarily concerning tableau paraded before the nation near the beautiful carp pond at The Lodge.

My only hope?

That later on, Miss G and The Mousse Man got their jeans off – and will continue to keep it that way.

***************************

Oh dear, so much to worry about this week.

Just for starters, ANOTHER AFL Grand Final. Booked in for a heart stress test, later today. Please God, NOT a stroke when I haven’t even started my Chrissie shopping.

Just quietly, how old are you and are you still wearing jeans?

Do tell.

Where, when, WHY and most importantly: WHAT SIZE?

As usual, please tell report in and let me know what’s happening in what passes for your life. 

*I DO NOT judge the states people find themselves in. Never have, never will………

Which brings me to this…….

The launch of yet another ’boutique’ facility for the kerriejean.com community.

Our ‘Restricted Area’ is the receptacle for material you will be desperate to peruse – or not at all.

It’s accessed by clicking on the big ‘Restricted Area’ thingo in the left hand column of the main page.

It is for adults who embrace life in pluralistic Democracies.

So, if you’re immature, Communistic or proudly Homogeneous - the Restricted Area is NOT for you.

In the meantime, keep our community strong. Keep it potent. Keep it hot. By:

Just clicking on the ‘comment’ thingo and following the simple instructions. The place to write your gems is at the bottom of the last published comment. *A little bit of counsel for people new to this caper. Your email (just called ‘mail’ in this case) address does NOT come up on site. And just ignore the URL thingo.

Dearie me, plug those kerfuffle valves, mercy mercy, mercy…….Serenity Now!

For before us - and particularly for *Gwennie – these will be the most difficult of days…..

Personally, I haven’t been as fraught since I was thrown out of the Roxy Theatre in 1974 with my date – a Yanco Agricultural High School Rugby League superstar.  

The crime?

Multiskilling. Watching ‘The Godfather’ and having a quick grope while being under the official insidious Nanny State ‘The Godfather’ viewing age of 18.

Pathetic, unfair, criminal. [As if Gwennie would have wanted to be provide 'grope parental guidance' (GPG), as if!]

Anyway, now is now…… and Red N’ Ready and Mr Ab-Do-Man have got three horses’ heads in their beds:  those of Messrs Katter, Windsor and Oakeshott. 

And make no mistake, everybody in rural Australia wishes that Bob (Seat of Camelot 1), Tony (Seat of Camelot 2) or Rod (Seat of Camelot 3) was their rep.

[Camelot: The hottest seat in town. Cr: Ken McCown: flickr]

So much so that last night I dreamt that Bob The Kat - the man with the glorious Future Shock of  hair that The Mousse Man, Mr Tim Mathieson, will surely be working on by 2pm today – was the Independent for Riverina.

In my dream, I was head of the ’The Ministry Of Fear’  – dispatched by Red N’ Ready and Mr Ab-Do-Man to find out what Bob The Kat’s demands were for the seat of Camelot 1.

This is what he told me:

‘KJ, of  all the places in Camelot 1, I love the Leeton the mostest…..

Chockablock with good, fine people…….

Tell Red N’ Ready and Mr Ab-Do-Man that this is what they demand, what they deserve……..

NOT to be given fast broadband but for everyone to BECOME Very, Very, Very Fast Broadband……

Babies delivered at Leeton Hospital will have access to the latest technology as their birthright……… 

A keyboard surgically attached to their tummies which will receive signals from a base station at Grong Grong….

Leeton will be the first rural community on the Pacific Rim where everyone’s middle name will be their Broadband signal…..

For example:  Cory Grong Grong 34567 Dodds, Sarah Grong Grong 34897 Morgan.

Because everyone in Leeton IS Very, Very, Very Fast Broadband, life will change KJ – for the very, very, VERY betterest….

Mass at St Joseph’s? Two minutes with communion, 45 secs without. Aussie Rules games? One quarter. NO time on. A typical date with a crumbed king prawn cutlet supper?  Forty five seconds with tartare sauce, 29 without.  Intimate conjugal activites? Four seconds – down from nine.

What this all means KJ is that the good folk of Leeton will have much, much, mucherest morest time to do the things that count…….

……Day trips to day spas in Wagga Wagga, bacchanalian pizza nights in Griffith, educative family excursions to ‘The Home Of The Kelpie’ town, Ardlethan…..

Tell ‘em KJ, you tell ‘em……..

AND while you’re at at it, tell ‘em the good townsfolk of Leeton want the life blood of a fairly big bit of Australia, the complete Murray-Darling system, diverted their way.

They wanna put a record rice crop in…….

Not too bloody much to ask……not bloody much at all…..’

*Gwennie (mum). Last sighted doing her own heart stress test – wandering up Pine Avenue yelling:

If Abbott becomes PM, I will live, if THAT ABBOTT becomes PM, I WILL live……to have another perm!!!

Test results? Inconclusive.  (God, God, GOD!)

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Oh dear, please feel free to talk among yourselves about anything…..

I am in no fit state to check my derma filler levels let alone lead a democratic discussion.

*If anything good can be taken away from all of this it is:

The fact that all of us still have the services of Under The Table Top Man (UTTTM), kerriejean.com’s political and diplomatic correspondent. UTTTM will be under all of the the tables that count all week. 

Thank you UTTTM and Keep Cool.

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Oh yes, there is something else………

Coming Soon!

An historic development for kerriejean.com: the simultaneous release on-line, on the airwaves - and on Corey Grong Grong 34567 Repeater Dodds - of the ground breaking, controversial series:

SOMETHING IN THE HAIR

[Cr: National Library Of Congress: flickr]

SOMETHING IN THE HAIR

*Narrated by stage and screen superstar, Mr Colin Moodie .

SOMETHING IN THE HAIR

 Follows the gripping and pathetic escapades of a 50-year-old journalist…..

She’s broken down, busted, kaput.

SOMETHING IN THE HAIR

And she’s returning to her hometown looking for advice and succour.

SOMETHING IN THE HAIR

I’ll tell you one thing for free: I’d hate to be in her shoes!

SOMETHING IN THE HAIR

On, in and all over kerriejean.com SOON!

*****In the meantime, go on……..gouge a few minutes out of your obscenely frantic life and join the kerriejean.com commentariat…..
Just click on the ‘comment’ thingo and following the simple instructions. The place to write your gems is at the bottom of the last published comment. *A little bit of counsel for people new to this caper. Your email (just called ‘mail’ in this case) address does NOT come up on site. And just ignore the URL thingo.