KerrieJean.com

Regressive-Repulsive-Repugnant Thoughts, Free-Floating-Anchored Anxiety…….

EVEN sudden and inexplicable twinges of sympathy for the now officially ‘unhinged’ marauding, incendiary serial fete opener, the Honorable Member for Griffth……

Serenity Now!

Could it be that clear, present and mounting pressures – the impending multi-media KJ extravanganza, Gwennie’s insistence she’ll drop dead at precisely 10pm on August 21st if  ‘that Abbott’ gets in, relentless controversy over my new fringe (’looks great’/'looks s***house’) – be threatening the very centrepiece of my Personal Coping Strategic Plan?

Could it be that KJ’s KERFUFFLE VALVE is about to blow?

[KJ: 'Serenity Now!' Cr: Sarge Devil: flickr]

…..The last time my Kerfuffle Valve was seriously under threat was in the year 2000…….

Talk about a Personal Perfect Storm….

Leeton had become too big for me. Too frantic. Alienation had set in……

Coming from a family that doesn’t age at all well, even social trips to Woolies to pick up a carrot were rendered nightmares.

(KJ to old schoolfriend) “Hello Barb, how’re the kiddies?”

“I don’t know ya from a bar of Solvol. But I have got TWO things to say: ‘Get yaself some decent moisturiser and keep away from my kids…..’”

My Kerfuffle Valve couldn’t argue with that.

I had to get away - fast.

Soon, I’d secured a Winter lease on a bungalow in Currie, the capital of King Island which nestles in the wild western entrance to Bass Strait. (Yes, yes, YES….where all your soft cheese requirements come from – including those that’d benefit from a quick squirt of Exit Mould)

After an indescribably horrifying turbulent  five-valium-40-minute trip from Melbourne’s Tullamarine Airport I finally collapsed in the Currie bungalow, my Kerfuffle Valve saving sanctuary…..

With two cardboard cartons…

One jam-packed with cottontails and other intimate requisites including ‘Mum’ and ‘Mylanta’. The other? A more eclectic booty – (1) Chocolate roll (unfilled) compliments of Gwennie, (1) Superior ‘Mawson Hut’ brand doona and (12) bottles, celebratory Riverina *’Golden Gate’ Spumante.

*Everything under control - Kerfuffle Valve firmly secured.

The night closed in……

Working furiously with a combination of six gas cyclinders and three tonnes of old growth forest, I’d even managed to bring the Kerfuffle Valve sanctuary’s parlour temperature up to two degrees.

Then, IT started…….

A noise not unlike that in a Qantas jet engine test cell…

Incessant rumbling, then incessant whirring, then incessant roaring, roaring, roaring, ROARING…….

Every window in the sanctuary was shaking, shaking, SHAKING…….outside, the twister whipped cottage garden threatened to burst straight through the panes  – to become the parlour garden.

THEN the lights banged, flickered and died…..

Crawling on the sanctuary floor, I managed to put through a call to a loved one:

 ’Tell Gwennie I love her…….new perm, tell Gwennie I love her……new perm’. 

(Loved One)  ’Good luck KJ, good luck – trust me, I’ll make sure your super is split exactly five ways, good luck KJ, good luck….’

It must have been then that I collapsed. Caused by the complete failure of my Kerfuffle Valve.

Morning dawned clear and bright……

Stumbling out the door with a box of Bandaids and a bottle of Dettol,  triage nurse KJ was ready to minister to other not so lucky survivors of  the twister.

In the main street of Currie (called ‘Main Street’) everything was calm, quiet……eerie…..

In a small cafe, people sat reading papers while hoeing into bacon and eggs…..eerie, eerie, eerie.

I asked the woman behind the counter what I could to help.

‘In regard to WHAT darlin’?’

‘In regard to the tornado.’

‘That was nothin’……wanna coffee?’

*I relate this because I was downright fascinated to read that the King Island community has offered itself as a potential site for a superdooper asylum seeker detention facility:

 http://www.dailytelegraph.com.au/news/sunday-telegraph/king-island-asylum-plan/story-e6frewt0-1225893369820

My considered view?

You CANNOT dump vulnerable people – who’ve just risked their lives on the high seas – in the Twister Capital of Australia.

You CANNOT…..

********************************

I intend to write more of my adventures on King Island at a later date. Trust me, I had quite a few with their repercussions still being felt right up to this day.

So, have you ever done a runner in the interests of life and dignity? 

On the National Watch, your thoughts on THE DEBATE most welcome….for what it’s worth,  I always suspect that when people present as just a bit  ’too civilised’  – UNCIVILITY lurks just below the surface.

And – anything else erupting or receding on your patch?

Trust me, nothing is too small for discussion in kerriejean.com. It’s called ‘Democracy’ and I’d very much like to show some Leadership in the pursuit thereof.

So, why not throw caution to the wind and exercise a basic right by:

Just clicking on the ‘comment’ thingo and following the simple instructions. The place to write your gems is at the bottom of the last published comment. *A little bit of counsel for people new to this caper. Your email (just called ‘mail’ in this case) address does NOT come up on site. And just ignore the URL thingo.

********7.37am, June 24th – The Rev Kev has this minute fired off an urgent appeal to the kerriejean.com community:

It’s not the Gary Grays (just heard him on the radio) of this world who made me numero uno.
It’s you KJ and all the other people of Australia……..who love me & put me in the Lodge.

So I urge you all to get down on your knees and get on the big white mobile to the big fella upstairs before there’s an absolute disaster & by tea time the red head from Wales - and her hairdresssing friend – move into the Lodge.

The first time in Australian history that a hairdresser has been occupying the PM’s bed!

Everybody here is extremely anxious KJ, especially Abby who’s crouching in a fearful way right at the back of her kennel.

Let Us Pray.

Read on…..

The Rev Kev – for as long as his Prime Ministership -  has been sharing his most intimate thoughts with us.

It’s been a privilege to have been privvy to the inner workings of an exceptional mind.  

As we farewell The Rev Kev, let’s relive some of the unguarded, inner moments marking the extraordinary political trajectory of a f******* extraordinary Australian.  

June 13, 2010 (Portent!  – kerriejean warns The Rev Kev)

‘I am predicting Julia will have your job before we know the winner of the World Cup.

And I have been told by impeccable sources that on Spill Day 2010, special AFP crack swearing units will be rushed to Parliament House….’

June 16, 2010 (Memorable Metaphors!)

‘As a wise man once said – one bad result/poor opinion poll – is NO reason for bringing down the leader – personally I don’t think Red is ready to play centre forward…..

As I say to her privately – this game is about more than changing your hairstyle everyday!’

May 12, 2010 (Statesman!  After a  phone call to new British PM, David Cameron)

‘We both had a little weep, and yes, agreed we’d made mistakes and that achieving the highest office in the land is a humbling experience….’

(This is how we will remember you. cr: cas_ks:flickr)

June 23, 2009 (Nissan Dorma. Utegate!)

Verily, verily, verily.…..
I quote unto you,
The Sermon on The Hill,
The Kevie-Attitudes…….
Blessed Are the Second Hand Car Salesmen,
For They Too Shall Inherit A Stimulatin’ Package.

PS. Yes, I may have a tight bum – that must be why there’s often a laying on of hands when I appear in public.

April 22, 2009 (JC Incarnate. $50,000 Chrissie cheques for everyone in the mail!)

‘Can I Just Say?

Some people have said I look like a dentist, that I talk like a dentist….and I make love like a dentist.

And I say:
When was the last time,
Your dentist sent you a cheque?

Oct 26, 2009 ( Chameleon! Rolling Stone Profile!)

As you know, appearances are so important, and much thought was given to how to dress The Rev Kev.  The following looks were tried:

1. KOUNTRY KEV – RM Williams came to the party, helping allude to my country boy b’ground. Plus the stylist said I looked great on a horse.

2. TOUGH KEV – All Leather.

3.COMPASSIONATE KEV – Dog collar plus halo, holding cute eight-year-old refugee kid.

4. KICKARSE KEV – Nike came to the party: Matt Giteau style T-shirt at a very reasonable $895, jockstrap by Hard Yakka.

5. KEV THE BIZ – Richo put me in touch with a very good tailor.

6. LAID BACK KOOL KEV – Polo shirt, summer strides, loafers – guitar.

…..So, zài jiàn to the stunning breadth of policies, passions - and outfits – that marked the (albeit ultimately tragic) Prime Ministership of our dear The Rev Kev…..

PREDICTION, PREDICTION, PREDICTION!

Julia will marry the Mousse Man – SOON!

****Breaking news (Daily Telegraph)

‘And as for the question on many lips – prospects of a prime ministerial wedding – Mr Mathieson cheerfully said time would tell.

We haven’t talked about anything more than being spouses at this stage. Wait and see, I guess.

*Dear oh dear, Mr Mousse Man I have news for you. The definition of spouse is….either partner in a MARRIAGE.

Just click on the ‘comment’ thingo and follow the simple instructions. The place to write your gems is at the bottom of the last published comment. *A little bit of counsel for people new to this caper. Your email (just called ‘mail’ in this case) address does NOT come up on site. And just ignore the URL thingo.

Made it!  I’m safe and well after Australia’s most dangerous (by far) 48-hour period, Christmas and Boxing Days.

And Gwennie has just issued her traditional December 27th orders:  Everyone just settle down now…..just settle.

Still, it gives me great pleasure to quote one of our Christmas attendees:

‘It was good this year, nothing went wrong.’

May I suggest though that ‘nothing went wrong’ because the more mature members of the family kept calm NO MATTER WHAT THE PROVOCATION.

Would you believe there’s a small, vocal sect operating within my family that votes National Party? How that happened when the biggest crop we’ve ever produced is two lousy petunias and a handful of chives I’ll NEVER know.

Gwennie is equally perplexed:  It’s not as if they didn’t have a good start in life, it’s not as if idiocy runs in the family…

Anyway, our National Party sect members were very upbeat about recent events in Canberra: Colonel Ab Doman and Barney Google are in business so watch out! 

Gwennie (who’s now so deaf we’re communicating with Scrabble tiles):

What are those crazy NATS on about…..just what are they sayin’ NOW…..?

‘THEY ARE SAYING THAT WITH THE CHANGING OF THEIR SECT’S GUARD WE’D ALL BETTER WATCH OUT!!!’

Gwennie looks at our sect members STRAIGHT on: It’s NOT as if idiocy runs in the family…..

Silence. Similar cycle repeated in 10 minutes and every 10 minutes thereafter.

*I must say that Leeton’s been very quiet since good rain fell on Christmas eve. There’s nothing to whinge about.

However, many National Party sect members are SO programmed they remain on whinge cruise control. In churches and at Woolies you still hear:

If it doesn’t rain soon, we’ll have to eat the children. It’s THAT bad… 

Acquaintance:  But Kevin, it HAS rained.

Kevin: It’s just gotta rain or I’ll go stark raving mad (again).

Acquaintance: See ya Kevin.  And you and Trish enjoy that round-the-world trip EVERYONE knows is compliments of drought assistance…..

That’s it for now. Off to have a little lie down.  Hang on. Forgot to tell you. Everybody VERY surprised when a newborn turned up this Christmas. First baby in our family for 30 years BREAKING  what I thought was a tacit agreement: NO more procreation/ NO more trouble. Oh well, at least someone’s flying the flag for a sensual life…..

**So as we zoom towards another year, hope everything’s okay in your neck of the woods. Report in if you feel up to it – of course ya do!!

 All posters take a deep breath…..and just click on the ‘comment’ thingo and follow the simple instructions. The place to write your gems is at the bottom of the last published comment. *A little bit of counsel for people new to this caper. Your email (just called ‘mail’ in this case) address does NOT come up on site. And just ignore the URL thingo – just ignore it.