KerrieJean.com

So here I am……….

Chasing a star, speeding towards a small stabling facility out the back of nowhere and grabbing trinkets off the shelves of Seven-Eleven stores [knew you'd like it, just knew you would!] 

Oh dear……..

But still, I’ll let you into a little secret: I’m crazy about Christmas – always have been, always will be……

It makes me feel alive, which is amazing considering the litany of ‘tricky, tricky, tricky’ episodes that have marked 2010.

And trust me, I will tell you about the trickiest of those ’tricky, tricky, trickys’ at a later date.  

But quite frankly, I’m not going to ‘waste’ them at present. Even I know they pale into insignificance [just] if put up against an impending assisted Virgin Birth.

I know what a big story is……

And I can tell you a Virgin Birth is going to lead the seven o’clock news – and the 7:30 Report, with or without Mister O’Brien.   

So, this Christmas I am turning my efforts to things literary, things metaphoric….

I am currently penning a short story called: ‘The Christmas Prawns’.

[Trad Xmas Game: Prawn Roulette: Cr: National US Archives: flickr]

‘The Christmas Prawns’ is about loved ones gathered at a Christmas luncheon table in a small inland town.

Prawns and this town are not comfortable bedmates……

 …..This town where December temps propel local climate change activists’ knickers into terrible knots which makes things ever more uncomfortable ….

……This town which is so far away from Source Of Prawns, they’re hauled in in armoured ice trucks manned by Special Prawn Guards………

….This town in which the ‘Prawn As Christmas Luncheon Centrepiece’ is a relatively new mantra.

The intro to ‘The Christmas Prawns’ says:

 ’All families love prawns, they just love them in their own way.’

For our family, Christmas Prawns are taken DIY style – everybody is removing those pesky digestive tracts at the table.

Festivities continue…….

But at 4pm, it starts. Mass queasiness, followed by unspeakable bodily evacuations.

‘The Christmas Prawns’ centres on just who will take responsibility for the shocking turn of events.

Who set the fridge temp?

Did the Prawn Purchaser transport the Prawns in the boot of their car?

Who assembled  The Prawn Platter?

Were rubber gloves provided?/if so, were they used?

How long was The Prawn Platter on the bench after assemblage?

In ‘The Christmas Prawns’, there are no answers.

I simply leave our fragile family on Boxing Day quietly coming to terms with the Christmas Prawns Fiasco.

This year, I want you to see The Off Prawn as a powerful metaphor for your family’s celebrations.

If something terrible happens, it is no one’s fault.

……..Just a intricate web of small oversights……

Culminating in a fully-blown traditional Yuletide Disaster.

********************************

So, Merry Christmas……..

But, you will hear from me briefly before then – because on Wednesday I’ll be flying Air Valium to a small inland town very far away from the Source Of Prawn.

And I am very much looking forward to having a good sniff of  my prawns pre-injestion come Christmas Day.

In the meantime, do you think the ‘Off’ Prawn metaphor is a good one for family life?

I hope so because ‘The Christmas Prawns’ is nearly finished and I’ve squeezed out every last drop of my creative juices on it, I really have…..

Another thing – as per tradition - here’s a little link to the Christmas song which I recorded with the musical genius, Big Swifty, a couple of Christmases ago. 

[Big Swifty: We coulda been big! ]

 *Everybody said Big Swifty did a great job but they weren’t backwards in coming forward to offer this opinion:  KJ, you can’t sing!

click-to-hear-They’re-Your-Bloody-Family

Isn’t that mean?

 Next thing, the same people will be telling me ‘The Christmas Prawns’ doesn’t work, just does NOT work as a piece of literature.

Big deal!

Please report in – it’s free, easy - and it’ll really calm my nerves before Air Valium tries to take off  on Wednesday. Do the humane thing by:

Just clicking on the ‘comment’ thingo and following the simple instructions. The place to write your gems is at the bottom of the last published comment. *A little bit of counsel for people new to this caper. Your email (just called ‘mail’ in this case) address does NOT come up on site. And just ignore the URL thingo.

Would I be right to think that your Christmas is shaping up to be yet ANOTHER disaster?

You should be ashamed of yourself – 10 days out from celebrating the world’s ONLY Virgin Birth and you’re plonked on the divan immobilised. Oh yes, you’re VERY keen to grab those three public holidays generated by the VB Miracle but thus far, you’ve done precisely bugger all to mark it in a manner appropriate.

So today, an early pressie from me to you:

Hec’s old-style Christmas preps: Time-saving and fun. Print off, follow to the last letter and (legs crossed) the Virgin Birth Celebrations 2009 at your place will be the talk of the town.

Hec: ‘It’s MANDATORY…. The Christmas Axe.’ (cr: DanCentury: flickr)

(1)  SECURE a free-range tree: Cost effective and flamboyant. Get The Christmas Axe, hop into your vehicle and proceed (under cover of darkness) to the nearest National Park. Hack down a beauty. Stuff  in boot. Treasure the looks of wonderment on small faces as you crash through the back door with the gigantic flora.  Slice 44 gallon drum in half. Excavate backyard. Fill drum. Plant tree. Position under gaping ceiling hole you carved out last year.

*Couldn’t understand all that fuss the Greenies made a while back about the so-called discovery of the Wollemi Pine. B*******!  Wollemis (great Christmas trees) have always been a dime a dozen in the sandhills near Narrandera.

(2)  NEVER tell kids that Santa exists. Gets ya into too much trouble. Concentrate on the in and outs of the Virgin Birth.

(3) SOURCE fine Christmas produce from local providores. Christmas Eve should see you in the woodheap with five rice-pellet-force- feed chooks and The Christmas Axe. Grab chook’s neck, ram down on a log and let The Christmas Axe do the rest. *Kids love seein’ chooks run around backyards with their heads chopped off but don’t forget to add an educational plank to the spectacular proceedings:

‘And that’s what you’ll look like if ya don’t take it easy when you get ya P-Plates, that’s what’ll happen to you….’

(4)  ATTEND MIDNIGHT Mass: Get the whole bloody thing outta the way so you can concentrate on Christmas. Hark The Herald Angels Sing is your cue that things are wrappin’ up. Round up the kids and get the hell outta there. *The last thing A Man wants to do is stand outside Church sayin’ Merry Christmas to a bunch of hypocrites who’ve (all year) been yacking  behind ya back about ya questionable personal habits.

(5) BE UP AND AT IT EARLY. Say ‘Merry Christmas’ to everyone… even the neighbours who told everyone who’d listen they saw ya get a WOLLEMI Pine out of the boot. Proceed to iceworks. Buy the biggest slab available to non-commercial customers. The challenge? To keep 72 bottles of Reschs Dinner Ale cold for 18 hours in 104 degree heat. Do your back in trying to get the ice out of the boot. Take The Christmas Axe. Attack the iceberg.

Start to enjoy yourself…….

* So, there you have it. Do yourself a favour:

Get off your bum right now and tell your loved ones: THIS year (like it or lump it) we’re doing Christmas Hec-style!

In the meantime, awaitin’ to hear from you…your traditional pre- Christmas crack-up is, of course, worth reporting in on but – as usual – so is everything else. New posters most welcome. I’ll rephrase that: TREASURED!

And….speaking of TREASURED…..just so happens I have the link here to an old favorite – last year’s hit Christmas single They’re Your Bloody Family. (Little ole me and THEN manager Big Swifty)

*Was at yet another party on Saturday night and someone mentioned the song. Someone else (too much make up too much Spumanti) piped up:

You really can’t sing KJ,  you really can’t……

Well, I didn’t dignify THAT with a response. Some people just CAN’T help themselves……

click-to-hear-They’re-Your-Bloody-Family

Pic:Tracey Tromph.

(Another time, another place: Big Swifty and KJ In Happier Times)

*The Ginger Man*

All in all, probably his biggest week yet!

Right now, Lord Ginge, The Chief Monk, Nurse Try Do, Under The Table Top Man (UTTTM) and Godwin Grech are huddled in the cargo hold of  The Rev Kev’s RAAF jet  enroute to Copenhagen.

Before being secretly squashed into the cargo crate holding The Rev Kev’s ETS masterplans, Lord Ginge commented:

‘Tell everyone at kerriejean.com that it’s gonna be exciting AND exotic:  Wall-To-Wall VIKING……..how ’bout that!!!!!’

cr: han s’: flickr

And so it is – with the ‘Viking Volumes’ unfolding all week in our comments section. For those new to TGM (Ex-Bletchley Park, Ex- Trinity College, Dublin) he’s our mysterious Passion-Aggressive-Adventurer-In-Residence.  One day he just lobbed in - and stayed. Talk about all our Christmases coming at once…….

All posters take a deep breath…..and just click on the ‘comment’ thingo and follow the simple instructions. The place to write your gems is at the bottom of the last published comment. *A little bit of counsel for people new to this caper. Your email (just called ‘mail’ in this case) address does NOT come up on site. And just ignore the URL thingo – just ignore it.

VOTING NOW OPEN IN THE WEBLOG AWARDS. JUST CLICK ON THIS AND SCROLL DOWN AND CLICK ON KJ. THANKS FROM KJ

http://2008.weblogawards.org/polls/best-australia-or-new-zealand-blog/

As our dear correspondent, Dimentagon, always puts it: You find me FEELING Leeton. And what a feel UP it is. I am writing this in a quiet corner of the magnificent facility that is Leeton’s Major Dooley Library.  (more…)

Here it is! Your Christmas pressie…….

KJ: You want me to lie down in the foyer!? (credit: Tracey Trompf)

THEY’RE YOUR BLOODY FAMILY! - FREE. Great for intimate and group listening………downloadable, danceable and podable…… at 3:50, it’s the perfect pop duration. They’re Your Bloody Family! (just like conception) is the result of pure abandon. And yes, there was pain in spades but let’s NOT dwell on it. Ready, set, GO:

click-to-hear-They’re-Your-Bloody-Family

Did you get into it? Did those obnoxious neighbours call the cops with (yet another) malicious noise complaint? Did you dance so hard you feel a bit iffy? Note: Big Swifty (who, as you’re well aware, has just had a major nervy) has agreed to answer questions about his creative process….. (Stop press: 1:14pm Dec 18, Big Swifty has just issued his traditional post CD release statement. It’s in the comments section….)

So, have a look at our photo-essay and then give KJ and Big Swifty (Australia’s best-known Instant Gratificationists) their Xmas pressie – a comment! For first-time users of this facility, directions are under the pics. Warning: No comment, no more nothin’ from KJ and BS.

And while I’ve got ya VOTING IS OPEN IN THE WEBLOG AWARDS. Just click on this link and scroll down a little way to the voting board – and click on kerriejean. You can vote once every 24 hours until Jan 13th:

http://2008.weblogawards.org/polls/best-australia-or-new-zealand-blog/

….just click on the ‘comment’ thingo and follow the simple instructions. The place to write your gems is at the bottom of the last published comment. *A little bit of counsel for people new to this caper. Your email (just called ‘mail’ in this case) address does NOT come up on site. And just ignore the ‘website’ space – not necessary!

I’m EMBARRASSED - I’ve been (in retrospect) walking around boring everyone shitless with the LATEST on Big Swifty….he’s a genius, he’s produced Lovelace Watkins, Ian Moss WANTS him, he NEVER stops, we just clicked, he’s all CAN DO…. and with me he’s CAN-DO X 62 etc, etc, etc.

Well, the first thing I must report is DEVASTATION that not one of you got in touch and issued a warning. Something like this would have sufficed: Hang on KJ, this is all very new for you. You’re so worked up, so nervy you’re not thinking straight. It’s well known that artistic collaborations are the cockfights of modern times and the results are the same: Only one cock (or artist) leaves the ring alive!
BUT NO-ONE DID THAT FOR KJ, NO-ONE LIFTED A FINGER…… (more…)

Pic: An unguarded moment: KJ & Big Swifty after historic recording session. Dec 04 2008. Studio 252, ABC Headquarters, Sydney, Australia. Jesus I Could Do With A Root (All I Want For Christmas) sequel imminent. Re-live the magic: Hear it again and again!

JESUS I COULD DO WITH A ROOT (All I Want For Christmas)

The day I let myself go. And I’m NOT talkin’ a dirty old Your Rights At Work T-shirt in Aldis; I’m NOT talkin’ 15 weeks regrowth (you tell me, woman or racoon?) and I’m NOT talkin’ four fake fingernails backed up by seven nasty naturals.  No, I’m talkin’ CHANGED woman.  I’m talkin’ reachin’ in, gropin’ around, cryin’ out: Anyone there, anyone at home…..? And then, an inner-voice, a voice I haven’t heard before, comin’ right back at me - IT’S ONLY YOU KJ, JUST YOU. OPEN THAT DOOR, KJ. IT’S YOU, JUST YOU..! (more…)