KerrieJean.com

Would I be right to think that your Christmas is shaping up to be yet ANOTHER disaster?

You should be ashamed of yourself – 10 days out from celebrating the world’s ONLY Virgin Birth and you’re plonked on the divan immobilised. Oh yes, you’re VERY keen to grab those three public holidays generated by the VB Miracle but thus far, you’ve done precisely bugger all to mark it in a manner appropriate.

So today, an early pressie from me to you:

Hec’s old-style Christmas preps: Time-saving and fun. Print off, follow to the last letter and (legs crossed) the Virgin Birth Celebrations 2009 at your place will be the talk of the town.

Hec: ‘It’s MANDATORY…. The Christmas Axe.’ (cr: DanCentury: flickr)

(1)  SECURE a free-range tree: Cost effective and flamboyant. Get The Christmas Axe, hop into your vehicle and proceed (under cover of darkness) to the nearest National Park. Hack down a beauty. Stuff  in boot. Treasure the looks of wonderment on small faces as you crash through the back door with the gigantic flora.  Slice 44 gallon drum in half. Excavate backyard. Fill drum. Plant tree. Position under gaping ceiling hole you carved out last year.

*Couldn’t understand all that fuss the Greenies made a while back about the so-called discovery of the Wollemi Pine. B*******!  Wollemis (great Christmas trees) have always been a dime a dozen in the sandhills near Narrandera.

(2)  NEVER tell kids that Santa exists. Gets ya into too much trouble. Concentrate on the in and outs of the Virgin Birth.

(3) SOURCE fine Christmas produce from local providores. Christmas Eve should see you in the woodheap with five rice-pellet-force- feed chooks and The Christmas Axe. Grab chook’s neck, ram down on a log and let The Christmas Axe do the rest. *Kids love seein’ chooks run around backyards with their heads chopped off but don’t forget to add an educational plank to the spectacular proceedings:

‘And that’s what you’ll look like if ya don’t take it easy when you get ya P-Plates, that’s what’ll happen to you….’

(4)  ATTEND MIDNIGHT Mass: Get the whole bloody thing outta the way so you can concentrate on Christmas. Hark The Herald Angels Sing is your cue that things are wrappin’ up. Round up the kids and get the hell outta there. *The last thing A Man wants to do is stand outside Church sayin’ Merry Christmas to a bunch of hypocrites who’ve (all year) been yacking  behind ya back about ya questionable personal habits.

(5) BE UP AND AT IT EARLY. Say ‘Merry Christmas’ to everyone… even the neighbours who told everyone who’d listen they saw ya get a WOLLEMI Pine out of the boot. Proceed to iceworks. Buy the biggest slab available to non-commercial customers. The challenge? To keep 72 bottles of Reschs Dinner Ale cold for 18 hours in 104 degree heat. Do your back in trying to get the ice out of the boot. Take The Christmas Axe. Attack the iceberg.

Start to enjoy yourself…….

* So, there you have it. Do yourself a favour:

Get off your bum right now and tell your loved ones: THIS year (like it or lump it) we’re doing Christmas Hec-style!

In the meantime, awaitin’ to hear from you…your traditional pre- Christmas crack-up is, of course, worth reporting in on but – as usual – so is everything else. New posters most welcome. I’ll rephrase that: TREASURED!

And….speaking of TREASURED…..just so happens I have the link here to an old favorite – last year’s hit Christmas single They’re Your Bloody Family. (Little ole me and THEN manager Big Swifty)

*Was at yet another party on Saturday night and someone mentioned the song. Someone else (too much make up too much Spumanti) piped up:

You really can’t sing KJ,  you really can’t……

Well, I didn’t dignify THAT with a response. Some people just CAN’T help themselves……

click-to-hear-They’re-Your-Bloody-Family

Pic:Tracey Tromph.

(Another time, another place: Big Swifty and KJ In Happier Times)

*The Ginger Man*

All in all, probably his biggest week yet!

Right now, Lord Ginge, The Chief Monk, Nurse Try Do, Under The Table Top Man (UTTTM) and Godwin Grech are huddled in the cargo hold of  The Rev Kev’s RAAF jet  enroute to Copenhagen.

Before being secretly squashed into the cargo crate holding The Rev Kev’s ETS masterplans, Lord Ginge commented:

‘Tell everyone at kerriejean.com that it’s gonna be exciting AND exotic:  Wall-To-Wall VIKING……..how ’bout that!!!!!’

cr: han s’: flickr

And so it is – with the ‘Viking Volumes’ unfolding all week in our comments section. For those new to TGM (Ex-Bletchley Park, Ex- Trinity College, Dublin) he’s our mysterious Passion-Aggressive-Adventurer-In-Residence.  One day he just lobbed in - and stayed. Talk about all our Christmases coming at once…….

All posters take a deep breath…..and just click on the ‘comment’ thingo and follow the simple instructions. The place to write your gems is at the bottom of the last published comment. *A little bit of counsel for people new to this caper. Your email (just called ‘mail’ in this case) address does NOT come up on site. And just ignore the URL thingo – just ignore it.

VOTING NOW OPEN IN THE WEBLOG AWARDS. JUST CLICK ON THIS AND SCROLL DOWN AND CLICK ON KJ. THANKS FROM KJ

http://2008.weblogawards.org/polls/best-australia-or-new-zealand-blog/

As our dear correspondent, Dimentagon, always puts it: You find me FEELING Leeton. And what a feel UP it is. I am writing this in a quiet corner of the magnificent facility that is Leeton’s Major Dooley Library.  (more…)

Here it is! Your Christmas pressie…….

KJ: You want me to lie down in the foyer!? (credit: Tracey Trompf)

THEY’RE YOUR BLOODY FAMILY! - FREE. Great for intimate and group listening………downloadable, danceable and podable…… at 3:50, it’s the perfect pop duration. They’re Your Bloody Family! (just like conception) is the result of pure abandon. And yes, there was pain in spades but let’s NOT dwell on it. Ready, set, GO:

click-to-hear-They’re-Your-Bloody-Family

Did you get into it? Did those obnoxious neighbours call the cops with (yet another) malicious noise complaint? Did you dance so hard you feel a bit iffy? Note: Big Swifty (who, as you’re well aware, has just had a major nervy) has agreed to answer questions about his creative process….. (Stop press: 1:14pm Dec 18, Big Swifty has just issued his traditional post CD release statement. It’s in the comments section….)

So, have a look at our photo-essay and then give KJ and Big Swifty (Australia’s best-known Instant Gratificationists) their Xmas pressie – a comment! For first-time users of this facility, directions are under the pics. Warning: No comment, no more nothin’ from KJ and BS.

And while I’ve got ya VOTING IS OPEN IN THE WEBLOG AWARDS. Just click on this link and scroll down a little way to the voting board – and click on kerriejean. You can vote once every 24 hours until Jan 13th:

http://2008.weblogawards.org/polls/best-australia-or-new-zealand-blog/

….just click on the ‘comment’ thingo and follow the simple instructions. The place to write your gems is at the bottom of the last published comment. *A little bit of counsel for people new to this caper. Your email (just called ‘mail’ in this case) address does NOT come up on site. And just ignore the ‘website’ space – not necessary!

I’m EMBARRASSED - I’ve been (in retrospect) walking around boring everyone shitless with the LATEST on Big Swifty….he’s a genius, he’s produced Lovelace Watkins, Ian Moss WANTS him, he NEVER stops, we just clicked, he’s all CAN DO…. and with me he’s CAN-DO X 62 etc, etc, etc.

Well, the first thing I must report is DEVASTATION that not one of you got in touch and issued a warning. Something like this would have sufficed: Hang on KJ, this is all very new for you. You’re so worked up, so nervy you’re not thinking straight. It’s well known that artistic collaborations are the cockfights of modern times and the results are the same: Only one cock (or artist) leaves the ring alive!
BUT NO-ONE DID THAT FOR KJ, NO-ONE LIFTED A FINGER…… (more…)

Pic: An unguarded moment: KJ & Big Swifty after historic recording session. Dec 04 2008. Studio 252, ABC Headquarters, Sydney, Australia. Jesus I Could Do With A Root (All I Want For Christmas) sequel imminent. Re-live the magic: Hear it again and again!

JESUS I COULD DO WITH A ROOT (All I Want For Christmas)

The day I let myself go. And I’m NOT talkin’ a dirty old Your Rights At Work T-shirt in Aldis; I’m NOT talkin’ 15 weeks regrowth (you tell me, woman or racoon?) and I’m NOT talkin’ four fake fingernails backed up by seven nasty naturals.  No, I’m talkin’ CHANGED woman.  I’m talkin’ reachin’ in, gropin’ around, cryin’ out: Anyone there, anyone at home…..? And then, an inner-voice, a voice I haven’t heard before, comin’ right back at me - IT’S ONLY YOU KJ, JUST YOU. OPEN THAT DOOR, KJ. IT’S YOU, JUST YOU..! (more…)

Big Swifty is now in a possie to report:

OK folks, the news you’ve all been waiting for. Finally, after much backsheesh, a few carefully placed banana peels and a visit from some of my old associates, studio space has magically materialised this Thursday! (See Aunty, it wasn’t that hard, was it?……)

Can lightning strike twice?

I’ve had my PA clear my diary. I feel greatness afoot! Damn the GrimALDIs. Their New Year’s Eve light show (and the rest of Monaco) will just have to wait.

SO, it’s CONFIRMED! (more…)