KerrieJean.com

Dearie me, plug those kerfuffle valves, mercy mercy, mercy…….Serenity Now!

For before us - and particularly for *Gwennie – these will be the most difficult of days…..

Personally, I haven’t been as fraught since I was thrown out of the Roxy Theatre in 1974 with my date – a Yanco Agricultural High School Rugby League superstar.  

The crime?

Multiskilling. Watching ‘The Godfather’ and having a quick grope while being under the official insidious Nanny State ‘The Godfather’ viewing age of 18.

Pathetic, unfair, criminal. [As if Gwennie would have wanted to be provide 'grope parental guidance' (GPG), as if!]

Anyway, now is now…… and Red N’ Ready and Mr Ab-Do-Man have got three horses’ heads in their beds:  those of Messrs Katter, Windsor and Oakeshott. 

And make no mistake, everybody in rural Australia wishes that Bob (Seat of Camelot 1), Tony (Seat of Camelot 2) or Rod (Seat of Camelot 3) was their rep.

[Camelot: The hottest seat in town. Cr: Ken McCown: flickr]

So much so that last night I dreamt that Bob The Kat - the man with the glorious Future Shock of  hair that The Mousse Man, Mr Tim Mathieson, will surely be working on by 2pm today – was the Independent for Riverina.

In my dream, I was head of the ’The Ministry Of Fear’  – dispatched by Red N’ Ready and Mr Ab-Do-Man to find out what Bob The Kat’s demands were for the seat of Camelot 1.

This is what he told me:

‘KJ, of  all the places in Camelot 1, I love the Leeton the mostest…..

Chockablock with good, fine people…….

Tell Red N’ Ready and Mr Ab-Do-Man that this is what they demand, what they deserve……..

NOT to be given fast broadband but for everyone to BECOME Very, Very, Very Fast Broadband……

Babies delivered at Leeton Hospital will have access to the latest technology as their birthright……… 

A keyboard surgically attached to their tummies which will receive signals from a base station at Grong Grong….

Leeton will be the first rural community on the Pacific Rim where everyone’s middle name will be their Broadband signal…..

For example:  Cory Grong Grong 34567 Dodds, Sarah Grong Grong 34897 Morgan.

Because everyone in Leeton IS Very, Very, Very Fast Broadband, life will change KJ – for the very, very, VERY betterest….

Mass at St Joseph’s? Two minutes with communion, 45 secs without. Aussie Rules games? One quarter. NO time on. A typical date with a crumbed king prawn cutlet supper?  Forty five seconds with tartare sauce, 29 without.  Intimate conjugal activites? Four seconds – down from nine.

What this all means KJ is that the good folk of Leeton will have much, much, mucherest morest time to do the things that count…….

……Day trips to day spas in Wagga Wagga, bacchanalian pizza nights in Griffith, educative family excursions to ‘The Home Of The Kelpie’ town, Ardlethan…..

Tell ‘em KJ, you tell ‘em……..

AND while you’re at at it, tell ‘em the good townsfolk of Leeton want the life blood of a fairly big bit of Australia, the complete Murray-Darling system, diverted their way.

They wanna put a record rice crop in…….

Not too bloody much to ask……not bloody much at all…..’

*Gwennie (mum). Last sighted doing her own heart stress test – wandering up Pine Avenue yelling:

If Abbott becomes PM, I will live, if THAT ABBOTT becomes PM, I WILL live……to have another perm!!!

Test results? Inconclusive.  (God, God, GOD!)

*******************************

Oh dear, please feel free to talk among yourselves about anything…..

I am in no fit state to check my derma filler levels let alone lead a democratic discussion.

*If anything good can be taken away from all of this it is:

The fact that all of us still have the services of Under The Table Top Man (UTTTM), kerriejean.com’s political and diplomatic correspondent. UTTTM will be under all of the the tables that count all week. 

Thank you UTTTM and Keep Cool.

******************************

Oh yes, there is something else………

Coming Soon!

An historic development for kerriejean.com: the simultaneous release on-line, on the airwaves - and on Corey Grong Grong 34567 Repeater Dodds - of the ground breaking, controversial series:

SOMETHING IN THE HAIR

[Cr: National Library Of Congress: flickr]

SOMETHING IN THE HAIR

*Narrated by stage and screen superstar, Mr Colin Moodie .

SOMETHING IN THE HAIR

 Follows the gripping and pathetic escapades of a 50-year-old journalist…..

She’s broken down, busted, kaput.

SOMETHING IN THE HAIR

And she’s returning to her hometown looking for advice and succour.

SOMETHING IN THE HAIR

I’ll tell you one thing for free: I’d hate to be in her shoes!

SOMETHING IN THE HAIR

On, in and all over kerriejean.com SOON!

*****In the meantime, go on……..gouge a few minutes out of your obscenely frantic life and join the kerriejean.com commentariat…..
Just click on the ‘comment’ thingo and following the simple instructions. The place to write your gems is at the bottom of the last published comment. *A little bit of counsel for people new to this caper. Your email (just called ‘mail’ in this case) address does NOT come up on site. And just ignore the URL thingo.

Dateline: Sydney, Australia, Friday June 11th, 2010.

Got back from Leeton Wednesday night but have only just woken up.

Still a bit iffy.

Low cumulus cover and one thunder clap at Wagga Wagga Airport set off a traditional free-floating pre-flight nervy. The last thing I remember is downing a handful of valium and ringing Gwennie to tell her how much I loved her……new perm.

What a wonderful trip!

I went to Leeton as a Woman and came back – still a Woman but with two high tech sound cards chock-a-block with honest, hard-working locals speaking openly of their hopes, dreams, fears, extra-marital affairs, water allocations, favourite rice recipes (Rice Medley, Festive Rice Ring) and deeply spiritual quests.

I asked everyone who gave so freely of their time:  Does God Know Leeton Exists?

A quick scan of my notes shows the community is split 50-50. But, I can break the deadlock – and I will!  Yes, yes, YES God knows Leeton exists and He sent his only draftsman Walter Burley Griffin to save it.

Highlights of the ‘embedded in Leeton’  freebie….sorry, ASSIGNMENT.

*The superb professionalism of The Producer. She wouldn’t let me smoke while conducting interviews and, in retrospect, I think her directive was harsh – but probably right in the circumstances.

*The raid on the Leeton-Whitton Crows dressing sheds on Sunday. So powerful was the testosterone aura I fainted and had to be carried out on a stretcher.

*Brazilian Wax, Tresses Salon. Don’t know why I didn’t have one years ago. Feel like Eve in The Garden Of Eden - Pre Original Sin.

Anyway, still a little disorientated…

AND there’s still so much heavy lifting to do for the upcoming kerriejean.com multi-platform series. 

I told The Producer I trusted her implicitly and was – albeit reluctantly – prepared to leave the editing, post-production, scripting, voiceover, on-line design, twittering, Facebook inserts and crazy rounds of pre-publicity interviews to her but she said:

Fat Chance!

Back to bed. Wobble, wobble, wobble……..[memo to self: see detox professional tomorrow if balance still not quite right]

Read on for the Leeton ’on location’ report……. 

***************************

Memories – like the calling of a name, misty water coloured memories - of the way weez were……

Dear, dear kerriejean.com supporters it is now 97 hours since I flew Air Valium from Sydney to the Riverina where I’m darting around – with Australia’s most experienced out-of-work comedy producer - plucking out material for my upcoming ground breaking multi-platform series. 

All funded by YOU.

What, WHAT can I say to convince you that the hired Hyundai hatchback, the prawn cutlet platters, the crazy round of rice paddy visits, the explosive reunions with old flames – and hard edged journalism - are a valid use of YOUR hard earned money?

Perhaps this piece of (visual) evidence?

(The centrepiece of Walter Burley Griffin’s vision for Leeton: Band Rotunda, Chelmsford Place. Cr: Shirmax: flickr)

Or perhaps this (non-visual) snippet?

*Could it have been only Saturday that I was running the gauntlet in Banna Avenue Griffith, investigating reports of Organised Swearing in a city which continues to refuse to lance its boils, cut out the cancer eating away at its very heart – AND giving the Australian television viewing public – with its insatiable appetite for stories which speak to the very heart of who we are – the best night in since ‘My Name’s McGooley, What’s Yours?’

All in all, a personal and professional rollercoaster……..

…..Which today threatens to reach new and dizzying heights with a vist to the world famous bird watchers’ paradise, the Fivebough Swamp, Bog And Wetlands.  

My host is none other than Mr Brent Lawrence whose seminal presentation ‘Leeton In Sixty Seconds’ is shown, discussed and debated at tourism industry seminars worldwide.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cdacvI0uRMU&feature=related

Today though, just two questions for Mr Lawrence:

The first:

So Mr Lawrence the Siberian Cranes come all the way from Russia – but why won’t a bloke even come 20 kms from Whitton to take me out?

I have no doubt Mr Lawrence will answer in the manner of the consumate professional he is.

But like most difficult interviews, I will leave my most controversial question to last.

Mr Lawrence, do you identify with the matinee idol, Forrest Tucker, who it is said loved nature in spite of what it did to him?

Apologies for such a quick report back….

It’s all go, go, GO.

My appointment book shows just for this morning – Mr Lawrence, ‘I Love Leeton’ intimate tattoo application, Walter Burley Griffin Memorial Water Towers re-enactment (Leeton High School students will be Tower 1, St Francis College students, Tower 2), Observation platform: Sunwhite Rice Cake processing line – Leeton Rice Mills.

As usual (sigh, sigh, sigh), I will still punch out a small hole in my windows of opportunities to read your posts.

Love to hear what’s happening in your patch (sigh, sigh, sigh) but to be honest I can’t think of anything that could beat what I’ve got going here.

Another thing – since I’ve been in Leeton I’m noticing a great improvement in my facial wrinkles and general jowl line. Gwennie (mum) says it because I’m packing on the weight but I truly think it’s more to do with my plummeting stress levels. You be the judge when the photos go up……

Just click on the ‘comment’ thingo and follow the simple instructions. The place to write your gems is at the bottom of the last published comment. *A little bit of counsel for people new to this caper. Your email (just called ‘mail’ in this case) address does NOT come up on site. And just ignore the URL thingo.

KJ’s OFFICIAL RIVERINA TOUR SCHEDULE ANNOUNCED!

(If you haven’t read the story at the end of this schedule please do so in the interests of comprehension)

Official Schedule:

Friday June 4th – 8:30am. Flight: Air Valium, Sydney-Wagga Wagga. 

Arrive Wagga Wagga 9:30am: Detox. Hire car to Holbrook. Secret (recorded) counselling session with resident Sister of St Joseph.

Friday, June 4th, 6pm. Triumph entry into Leeton. Ceremonial Booze Bus escort. Prawn Cutlet Reception, Leeton RSL.

Sat, June 5th, 11pm. Six-hour Pine Avenue  traditional lapping session in pink 1982 Holden panel van. *Official Cystic Fibrosis Rally car no 181.

Sun, June 6th, 1pm. Historic (for gender reasons) raid on the Leeton-Whitton Crows Australian Rules Football Club’s  ’rub down’ and pre-match hype up sheds - Leeton Showgrounds. 

Sunday, June 6th, 2pm. Front row deluxe grandstand seat (cushion provided), Leeton-Whitton Crows V Narrandera Imperial Eagles.

Sun, June 6th, 10pm. ‘Leeton By Night’ - Roo Shooting,  Brobenah Hills.

Tuesday, June 8th, 10:30 am. Full-body waxing session,  full-body body piercing,  full-body Juju Bed toxin removal, Tresses Salon, Pine Avenue Leeton.

Wednesday, June 8th: 3:oopm. Flight: Air Valium, Wagga Wagga-Sydney. Detox.

*  Just in: The Rev Kev releases KJ tour statement (see comments section).

* Pre Schedule Release Story below…..

It’s pathetic – even criminal – when self-obsession gets the upper hand.

Truly, I cannot believe I ever wrote this:

Kerrie Jean desperately wants you to participate in this blog.

At this time of life, another failure could be catastrophic. (September, 2008)

(KJ: ‘I am willing to strip myself bare…’ credit: Tracey Trompf)

Looking back, how silly, how childish because Boy O Boy have I got news!

Simply put, I am in receipt of a Highly Stimulatin’ Development Package from ABC Management. It’s a ‘no strings’ proposition and (just quietly) comes at the end of a  ‘take no prisoners’  dog-eat-dog competitive process.

Beat that!

If I felt like it, I could build a new ‘Kerriejean.com Trans Fat  Tuckshop’ at Leeton Primary School, I could a fund a Grong Grong bolt hole for my lesbian lover - or I could blow taxpayers’ monies on a couple of vials of botox or derma filler. 

*Ed’s note:  Just so you know I’m not kidding, I did secretly self-fund three vials of derma filler three months ago.

For the record – and if you’re a case of ‘derma filler just waiting to happen’ - the sixteen 52-centimetre-long  pre derma filler face deadening needles going right through my right lower cheek and emerging out the other did hurt a bit. 

But still, no pain, no gain.

In fact, so natural, so non-intrusive was my $1200 worth of Australian made derma filler, no one noticed any difference.  And that’s what you want, is it not?

Anyway, now is now and (can you believe it?) on Friday I’ll be jetting to the Riverina with a full set of jowls, a producer with more laughter lines than Charlie Chaplin - and enough hard cash to stay in whatever motels we want within a 1098 kilometre radius of Wagga Wagga.

Pacific Rim populace – in unison:

What for? It’s afterall my money you’re playing with? [I knew this'd come up, I just knew it.....sigh, sigh, sigh]

‘ALL RIGHT, steady on….to…to….to…bloody well collect what we call in the business ‘material’ for a groundbreaking on-airable, podcastable, on- lineable, twatable, facebookable, multi-platformable, demountable, Walkley Awardable COMEDY series.’

Thank you KJ, but I’m NOT convinced…..

Maybe you just wanna get outta town? 

……Things a ‘little hot’ presently?  Got a meta-narrative? Got a through line? Got ANYTHING on paper?

‘Thank you for asking Pacific Rim populace.  Just so happens I do…….[sigh, sigh, sigh]

The meta-narrative is that I’ve never understood why most Australians don’t think about - let alone have real affection - for Leeton.

So, I’m going to emotionally (and physically) strip myself naked in an attempt to discover whether my enduring – even crazed love – is based on cheap nostalgia  or something much more…….’

……Perhaps even – from teenagehood - my pathological inability to create a new and viable adult life…..

(Oh God, oh God, I’ve said it). 

So confronting is all this, the other day I broke down in my producer’s arms:

I truly don’t mind being stripped bare at every turn, but I fear peeling myself back only to find – like a cling peach on a canning line -  that I have no core.

Producer:  Shut up KJ! Even if you don’t conclude you’ll go back to Leeton to live, would you consider going there to die…?

God, this is hard. But I if I continue to peel myself back just a little every day, things could work out…..

So, while I write – freezing in just my sports brassiere and cottontails - this is what I’ve (potentially) got lined (potentially) up (potentially) thus far……

*Brazilian wax (Friday). Producer: Good work! I’m surprised you found someone to do it.

*Trip to Griffith to find someone to help me get back the $1200 dollars I blew on the derma filler (Tuesday).

*Visit to the Leeton-Whitton Crows dressing shed (Sunday). I sidled in there once as a teenager when post-match ’rubbing down’ was underway – only to be told that if I ever did it again, police would be called.

….I’d like to know, HAVE to know, whether things have changed re Riverina spatial gender relations.

What YOU can do to help with this project:

*Pray that the prop jet makes it to Wagga Wagga and that I keep my traditional in-flight valium dose right on the knife edge that is just between comatose and a panic induced front page making in-flight incident. 

*Tell everybody that KJ is striking a blow for women of a certain age and it’d be a crying shame if she peeled herself right back to her very core – and no-one gave a damm.

Finally, everyone can look forward to hearing from (and seeing a lot more of) my new manager, Jim.  He’s got his whole life ahead of him. I don’t think I could live with myself if I ruined that.

******So, a very special day for kerriejean.com, particularly when it comes to value adding. All reports from your patch welcome, plus the EXTRA pressure of suggestions for THE project. This is what you do:

Just click on the ‘comment’ thingo and follow the simple instructions. The place to write your gems is at the bottom of the last published comment. *A little bit of counsel for people new to this caper. Your email (just called ‘mail’ in this case) address does NOT come up on site. And just ignore the URL thingo.

*The Big Lebowski has been our poet-in-residence for more than four seasons (week in, week out actually). This is ‘Poem For Autumn’.

As the sun comes down
From the cloudless sky,
To end this peace-warmed,
Autumn day, a solitary fly:

Butterfly.

Seeks shelter in the avocado,
A princess on the fly.

A currawong sings above,
Its predatory and mournful song,
Cooo-rah-wong, Cooo-rah-wong,
(Missed out again! Dinner gone!)

Poor girl, you have flown so long,
A few more hours, minutes,
(whatever)
And you will lay your eggs.

Be dead and gone, lost forever.

But no, you leave me, great gifts.
Inherited innocence,
Sweet morsel of a soul.

Behind all this, an immortal dream.

Girl of my dreams that I had sought
in bars on buses on ferries on trains
on vacationless holidays
in the stars.

***********************(latest KJ post below)

Postmodernism?  NO time for it.

There is Truth. And while Christian leaders indulged in unedifying s****fights over Easter I was endeavouring night and day to seek one:

Was Leeton Australia’s premier hot spot for ‘Swingers’ Circles’ in the sixties and seventies?

(*Dutch Swingers: 1964: Cr: National Archief, Netherlands: flickr)

Why now KJ, why the desperate need to answer this NOW?

Simple. Because Easter always sees me in a spin…….

One minute He’s having tea, then He’s fronting his best mate in the garden, then He’s in more trouble than Speed Gordon, then He’s dead, then He’s not…Oh boy, I’m exhausted….I need certainty…….best to concentrate on the Swingers’ bizzo……all right, ALL RIGHT I will….it might even be good for me….SO…..to work…….

It is often claimed – for three main reasons – that country towns produced far more Swingers per capita than city centres:

(1) Abject boredom. *Peaking during off footy season sizzling summers.

(2) Difficulty of conducting traditional extra-marital affairs. * ‘I’m not, NOT gunna pay 45 bucks for a night in Wagga – what’s wrong with Warren’s and your bed?’

(3) The perversion (by perverts) of the traditional culture of caring and sharing in tight knit communities.

(Note to self: Keep cool. No, NOT just cool. Get CLINICAL. Just because YOU abhor perversions - and perverts - of any kind, keep your tightly held moral code out of this. The FACTS please KJ, just THE FACTS….)

 All right, ALL RIGHT these are THE FACTS……

Women (yes women) tucked up in the same bed every night with the same ‘Wazza’ ( well, not quite the same – marriage day 1967- 90 kilos, 10th marriage anniversary – 156 kilos) and who continually told their girlfriends that if Wazza died of a heart attack tomorrow they’d be off to Surfers for a week to celebrate WERE the folks who ran around naming alleged Swingers and their despicable set of behaviours.

According to these women (yes women) Swingers met at this or that house – addresses always provided – where husbands in leopard print G-Strings deposited car keys in tupperware lettuce spinners.

Then Swinging Hostesses – in black see through negligees purchased in Sydney – pushed the spinning mechanism. 

After the keys -  on key rings which clearly said things like ’Return to Barry’ or ‘ Terry’s Tune-Up Services’ or ‘I Love Pork’ -  stopped spinning the men plunged their hands into the device, picked a key and WHAMMO – the wife of the owner of the key was theirs! *’On appro’ is probably more accurate.

What happened next – according to the Swinger whistleblowing women (yes women) was that Swinging couples adjourned to bedrooms where downright kinky acts took place. Kinky, kinky, KINKY!  Particularly acts involving  ingredients for the sacred ritual of crackle making: specificially copha, cooking chocolate and rice bubbles….

According to our informants, Swingers’ parties always ended in the same way.

Participants – initially resembling flushed crackles - frolicked under backyard sprinklers, got dressed and then carefully secreted their leopard print g-strings and see through negligees in the spare tyre compartments of family sedans. They then went home to their children.

UNTIL NEXT TIME…..

*I have reviewed all the evidence.

Was Leeton a seething haven of Swingers’ parties – with all their attendant gross distortions of what it is to REALLY love, to REALLY feel…?

YES.

********************************

*Controversial (maybe even hurtful to a lot of people) BUT I didn’t get into this business to pay the rent: I got into it to make a difference, tell the truth – however unpalatable that may be.

If you have any evidence of country people and their propensity to Swing please get in touch. *Protection of sources guaranteed.

And – do I need to even say it? – I’m looking forward to hearing from you about anything at all. You may think you’re life is small (even inconsequential) but I’m here to reassure: It ISN’T! So, post away – go on…!

All posters take a deep breath…and just click on the ‘comment’ thingo and follow the simple instructions. The place to write your gems is at the bottom of the last published comment. *A little bit of counsel for people new to this caper. Your email (just called ‘mail’ in this case) address does NOT come up on site. And just ignore the URL thingo – just ignore it.

*The Fat Man In Romantic History: Hot, hot, HOTTEST post ever!!!!!!!!

* Hot letter – from Hence The Hermit - with HOT tape received overnight. Read on, view the up ’til now secret material. Warning: Adult Hermit Themes, Hermit Nudity.

‘KJ,

This is all very reassuring for pot-bellied, ab-challenged hermits from the flooded regions of the North Coast. Perhaps North Coast hermits and Leetonites are finally fleshing out some common ground!

At a recent ‘out of the way’ conference, the hermits (good guys all), rather than getting all morose about the rain, were actually practising their dance moves in readiness for re-entry to the world.

Or, maybe this whole crazy world has finally driven the hermits crazy as well – oh dear, gonna have to ponder that one…’

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uet0Vn76UP8

Read on for what got Hence all fired up…..

Oh dear, oh dearie me……may I quote?

‘Cheryl Cole wants to date a man with a pot belly.

The Fight for This Love singer – who separated from her soccer player husband Ashley Cole last month following his alleged infidelities – has vowed she will never be romantically involved with a toned, muscular man again and wants her next lover to be a normal guy with a rounded stomach.

A guy could be in the Speedos and be ripped to within an inch of his life and I don’t think I’d look again.

It would have to be the Bermuda shorts and the pot belly….’ (From the Fairfax Press)

Thank you Cheryl.

But I’m sorry, and a might bemused my dear, dear girl, that it’s taken you so long to discover that the potent combo of shorts + pot bellies = sensual and relationship bliss. 

Come on Cheryl, we’re talkin’ truism!

No sane woman in Leeton wastes time ruminating on the joys of  fat bellies – preferably white with stretch marks and curly black hairs getting more luxuriant the lower the gaze -  and shorts, particularly with a ‘no dramas’ velcro fly facility.

(Too fit: First man run out of Leeton. Cr: Bain News Service. Library of Congress)

Still confused Cheryl? Perhaps I can help…

When I was blossoming towards womanhood my swell Daddy Hec – disporting his favourite shorts overhung by a colossal Dinner Ale-sponsored belly - asked that I join him under our magnificant peach tree near the wood heap for a ‘little talk’.

After securing the area – great what a couple of gallons of hastily sprayed DDT can do to fruit fly – Hec gently spoke of whateth maketh for a Goodeth Maneth.

‘A Good Man will respect and protect his shorts and pot belly at all times. A Good Women sees this, sees this nurturing spirit, sees this attention to duty and knows that here is a man with PRINCIPLES, here is a Good Man who will love and protect you just like his shorts and pot belly….

HERE IS A MAN YOU CAN TRUST…….’

And Cheryl, my dear, dear girl, via that soft parable many things suddenly became clear…..

Like:

-Why all gentlemen callers on my four exquisite older sisters all had pot bellies and all wore shorts. *Apart from the local trim and taut swimming champion who turned up one day in beige Harris Scarfe trousers only to be turned away at the gate by an agitated Hec:

‘And we DON’T wanna see the likes of YOU around here again – you hear me, you HEAR me…?’ 

- Why the most beautiful brides in Leeton always had grooms with pot bellies who wore shorts under their hired wedding suits.  And why these Good Men couldn’t wait to get to receptions where they offloaded their trousers. *Ask anyone in Leeton to show you a reception photo taken after 10pm and I swear to God you’ll be told:  ‘There are none.’

-Why marriages underpinned by Good Men with pot bellies and shorts lasted forever. In fact, the longer the marriage the bigger the pot belly, the shorter the shorts. *Good Men discovering reserves of love and protective behaviours even they never knew they had.

So Cheryl you’ve had a bad experience with a Bad Man – a Bad Man man who buffed and exercised and preened the very love out of himself.  It should have come as no surprise that there was nothing left for you.

My dear, dear girl, I know you’ve been hurt and I know you’re a very busy women.

BUT, the Leeton Rice Bowl Festival is happening over Easter. Traditionally, the Festival provides many opportunities for Good Men with pot bellies – in outrageously festive shorts - to congregate.

Would you like to come?

You will find a Good Man in Leeton.

*************************************
So, a big hello to everyone – particularly to the Good Men. Where would we be without you? Oh dearie me, it just doesn’t bear thinking about……it really doesn’t.

 As usual, I am on blogging tenterhooks waiting to hear about what’s going on on your patch. Trust me, you may think your life comes under the ‘feeble’ category but you’re wrong, SO darn WRONG. Would love to hear from you..

And what about pot bellies and shorts? Often, I wish I was a man just to feel the love.

All posters take a deep breath…and just click on the ‘comment’ thingo and follow the simple instructions. The place to write your gems is at the bottom of the last published comment. *A little bit of counsel for people new to this caper. Your email (just called ‘mail’ in this case) address does NOT come up on site. And just ignore the URL thingo – just ignore it.

Australian journalists? Hang your heads in shame…

The reporting of the Miss Bingle/Mr Jo-Bingles Clarke tragedy has been marred by a critical mistake – Miss Bingle was not Mr Bo-Bingle Clarke’s girlfriend: she was his FIANCEE.

And where I come from being a fiancee meant something…

-Like publicly declaring that only one special person would feel you up for Eternity.

-Like disporting a pile of chips that allowed women of all ages to imagine being big in ‘The Antiques Roadshow’. In keeping with local tradition, by age eight I could $$$$ an engagement ring from 30 metres*.

(*Margin of acceptable error $75-$130).

-Like being in receipt of a pressie arsenal that made the RSL Bonanza Nativity Christmas raffle look pathetic.

(KJ: ‘Worth about $4,342 I reckon, nice unusual setting.’ Tommy Hancock:flickr)

So to be engaged in Leeton came with its joys – think six whipper snippers, two locally manufactured home colonic irrigation kits and perhaps even a post-honeymoon recovery night for two at the Lake Cargelligo Caravan Park.

But it also came – as it should have – with grave responsibilities.

A Shattered Engagement was the worse thing that could happen (apart from going ‘DUI’ twice in a two week period).

And when news that a ‘wedding was off’ swept though my town, things quickly turned ugly. And the closer to the scheduled date of the doomed nuptials, the uglier the fall out.

Her family’s strategy?

New information had come to light about an injury of a very personal nature sustained by Wazza at Nui Dat. Would have been good if Shazza had been told.

His family’s strategy?

New information of a very personal nature had come to light about Shazza’s dating history. All right, let’s be clear about this. Exactly what sort of girl allows herself to be photographed with the complete Rugby Premiership team of 1979?

Just when concerned citizens were thinking that things couldn’t get any uglier, they invariably did..

Reports of a ring being melted down at 3am, caterers demanding payment for projected losses on wedding reception prawn cocktails, a shredded guipure lace wedding dress (estimated value: $432*) dumped at the Leeton Tip and father-in-laws that ‘weren’t to be’ tearing each other apart with bare hands in pub brawls.

(*Acceptable margin of error: $23-$46).

The last straw for all right thinking folk was when news comes through that three whipper snippers had been cut into one-and-a-half.

And I ask you: Who wins when it gets to this, WHO wins?

Furthermore, wasn’t it about time someone thought about Wazza and Shazza?

Sick was always the concensus on how they must be feelin’.

Correct.

And then, one day it dawns on Wazza that he’s had a gutful.

And he’s off to Wagga Wagga to finish his plumbing apprenticeship. And he’s gonna set up his own business and make lots of moolah.

And even though he doesn’t tell anyone this bit, he’s still aiming to marry a good sort and have a coupla great kids.

And all of the above comes true – all within 18 months!

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*So, as usual, I’m on high blogging alert, waiting for news from your patch…

Perhaps you’ve even been on site for a shattered engagement…it’s awful to watch isn’t it? Just awful. I’m also worried about Mr Bo-Bingles Clarke. I mean he’s gotta out to get out there and dance in New Zealand even though he’s had an awful time. Just awful….

I think the best approach for all of us (in respect to both parties) is to just sit quietly in this awful period and await happier times….that’s the best thing to do…I really think it is……..

All posters take a deep breath…and just click on the ‘comment’ thingo and follow the simple instructions. The place to write your gems is at the bottom of the last published comment. *A little bit of counsel for people new to this caper. Your email (just called ‘mail’ in this case) address does NOT come up on site. And just ignore the URL thingo – just ignore it.