KerrieJean.com

Call me old-fashioned, call me anything you like but Australia’s international reputation IS important. So important that currently, we have a PM who spends more than half our GDP living overseas, constantly spreading the message of an urbane, sophisticated Federation.

So, how could it come to this?

Pile of Gelato (flickr credit: Gio JL)

Before someone put shit in someone’s chocolate gelato served up in the bistro of Sydney’s iconic Coogee Bay Hotel, Australia had only been mentioned once this year in the international media. That was when the first of the Steve Irwin impersonators started do live crocodile taming acts in pubs around outback Queensland.

But now, thanks to the the most unspeakable case of shit sabotage ever reported anywhere, we’re hitting the international headlines like never before. I’m NOT proud and neither should you be….

Click here for:  Trusted Sample Of International Shit-In-Gelato Coverage.

So….Where to now?  (more…)

I would say at the outset that the ABC had the wrong title.
It should be The Prime Minister is MESSING.

credit: flickr dbking

Click here to remind yourself what the ABC was doing: The Prime Minister Is Missing.

Messing around is not uncommon among politicians, particularly those of high ministerial ranking, and Harold Holt was no exception.

In his case, it was not a typiste (forgive me for the non-feminist final vowel) or a reverent, kneeling Clintonesque internette.

At last it can be revealed. It was Messing with the Occult. (more…)

You know about growth spurts. Before going to sleep, your vital stats were (for example) age, 7, height, two-and-a-half feet, weight, 4 stone. But on awakening, great distress. Your revised vital stats? Age 7, height, two-and-three-quarters feet, weight 4 stone 8lbs. All very kooky, all potentially devastating.

BUT back then, tight-knit caring communities appointed growth spurt monitors. In my case, Betty from just up the road would just happen to rock up with much bigger, smellier Dunlop Volleys and a frayed selection of more appropriately sized outer garments. And Betty knew her job was to calm me down. Once, when I told her I was surely, surely headed for the back blocks of Idaho on a college basketball scholarship, she said: No way KJ - that’s just being right up yasself. It’s just a little growth spurt…..

Not so, with the potentially devastating syndrome that is the age spurt……. (more…)

I have been contacted by one of our most astute social observers, Greek And Loving It who, without fanfare, simply reported: nipples have disappeared from public view.

I was initially flummoxed. Had Greek And Loving It identified a new flashpoint on the site of conflict that has always been women’s bodies? Was Greek And Loving It a pervert who’d tricked me with her previously seemingly ’sound’ correspondence? Or perhaps Greek And Loving It had issues with her own nipples and subconsciously wanted them to spill over into this vibrant site of public discourse?

The last of the public nipple warriors (credit: Stinkie Pinkie - Flickr)

(more…)

I really didn’t want to waste my time getting in on this no-brainer but since my story When Dogs Knew Their Place many people have approached me demanding to talk about THEIR CAT.

credit: son of robert's, Flickr

So, I say, tell me about This Cat. This Cat which surprises you daily. This Cat which walked into your life and blessed it. This Cat, whose peccadillos, never cease to delight.

But KJ, what is it that you specifically want to know about This Cat?

I tell Cat Person that I seek nothing more than to hear interesting bits and pieces. Eg:

Has This Cat ever foiled a home invasion?

Has This Cat ever rescued a kiddie down a well?

Do right-thinking people hold grudges against This Cat because of a shocking litany of repugnant acts?

Is This Cat the street’s best-known n’er-do-well?

I get nought: only lame stories of This Cat loving herring, This Cat being the spitting image of the cat next door or This Cat providing endless succour as he writhes on the loungeroom carpet for up to 18 hours a day.

My conclusion? This Cat is representative of That Cat and Those Cats - and they too have very little to offer.

On the other hand, dogs have nothing to prove. Their record stands. I’ll leave you with these questions?

Will This Cat ever be on The Tuckerbox?

Would This Cat ever have run messages at Gallipoli?

Could This Cat ever be trained as a seeing-eye aid?

Can you ever see This Cat ever sniffing out suspect luggage at our vulnerable international gateways?

Has This Cat ever had a bowl of grits by campfire after a gruelling day droving?

End of Debate. KJ