KerrieJean.com

Dear Australians,

Particularly the 0.7% of you who think the top sort I share my life with is doing a good job…….

There’s lots of chit chat about the national broadcaster’s modest four-parter, ‘At Home With Julia’.

Isn’t it about time I was asked what I think?

Thank you.

Here goes………

I like a good laugh [who doesn't?]

And, trust me, the most important part of a hairdresser’s day is hosing down panic stricken clients [I said bob not swab!] with soothing talk about what’s hot – and what’s not – on telly. 

……I can’t tell you how many hours I spent chair side in Shepparton debating the urgent gender issues raised by ‘Buffy The Vampire Slayer’.

To [sigh] ’At Home With Julia’.

I have been miscast, misread - badly.

I am certainly not feeling superfluous to national – or domestic – requirements.

Quite the opposite.

I have never ever been in the unenviable possie of having to beg for a stupid, self respect draining ’date night’ .    

I adore hanging out in The Lodge. 

[Tim: 'It's more like this.' Cr: State Library Archives, Florida: flickr]

If I’m not flat out with official duties - Patron: National Prostate & Groin Region Festival, Patron: National Colorbond Men’s Shed Cult – I  just kick back……

…..Enjoying sharing Pantene jokes with the help has become a bit of a ritual: 

‘Mr Matheison, your 24 freebies haven’t arrived yet for the AFL Grand Final/Deniliquin Ute Muster/Manuka TAFE Eagles Tribute Night but I’ve been assured they will….’

‘Don’t worry Derek – it won’t happen overnight but it will happen……’ [giggles all around]

On the international front, I adore, simply adore my understated ‘Woolmark coat and Woolmark scarf’ appearances with Julia at the top of the steps of our RAAF jet…whoosh!

Then, I get to inspect lines and lines of welcoming military top brass in their fancy dress uniforms.

If they’re from a regime that I’ve been warned is a bit ‘iffy’ I always do a bit of extra strong eyeballing.  [Until now, I haven't told anyone this, no one......]

Anyway, I could go on and on……….

It is disappointing, even hurtful, to be so misrepresented.

The truth is:

I’m having the time of my life.

And just one more thing.

I’ll keep doing so until that ‘no fun’ Kevin and his missus put a stop to it.

***********************************

Don’t you agree……Mr Mathieson, as portrayed in At Home With Julia, is ‘all wrong’?

How long do you think his lease on The Lodge has got to go?

Will he get his bond back?

Do approval rating from thousands of ‘unknowns’ matter when you’re in love?  Personal experience tells me not at all, not at all.

Do be in touch…….it’d be great. Do it now by:

Just clicking on the ‘comment’ thingo and following the simple instructions. The place to write your gems is at the bottom of the last published comment. *A little bit of counsel for people new to this caper. Your email (just called ‘mail’ in this case) address does NOT come up on site. And just ignore the URL thingo.

********7.37am, June 24th – The Rev Kev has this minute fired off an urgent appeal to the kerriejean.com community:

It’s not the Gary Grays (just heard him on the radio) of this world who made me numero uno.
It’s you KJ and all the other people of Australia……..who love me & put me in the Lodge.

So I urge you all to get down on your knees and get on the big white mobile to the big fella upstairs before there’s an absolute disaster & by tea time the red head from Wales - and her hairdresssing friend – move into the Lodge.

The first time in Australian history that a hairdresser has been occupying the PM’s bed!

Everybody here is extremely anxious KJ, especially Abby who’s crouching in a fearful way right at the back of her kennel.

Let Us Pray.

Read on…..

The Rev Kev – for as long as his Prime Ministership -  has been sharing his most intimate thoughts with us.

It’s been a privilege to have been privvy to the inner workings of an exceptional mind.  

As we farewell The Rev Kev, let’s relive some of the unguarded, inner moments marking the extraordinary political trajectory of a f******* extraordinary Australian.  

June 13, 2010 (Portent!  – kerriejean warns The Rev Kev)

‘I am predicting Julia will have your job before we know the winner of the World Cup.

And I have been told by impeccable sources that on Spill Day 2010, special AFP crack swearing units will be rushed to Parliament House….’

June 16, 2010 (Memorable Metaphors!)

‘As a wise man once said – one bad result/poor opinion poll – is NO reason for bringing down the leader – personally I don’t think Red is ready to play centre forward…..

As I say to her privately – this game is about more than changing your hairstyle everyday!’

May 12, 2010 (Statesman!  After a  phone call to new British PM, David Cameron)

‘We both had a little weep, and yes, agreed we’d made mistakes and that achieving the highest office in the land is a humbling experience….’

(This is how we will remember you. cr: cas_ks:flickr)

June 23, 2009 (Nissan Dorma. Utegate!)

Verily, verily, verily.…..
I quote unto you,
The Sermon on The Hill,
The Kevie-Attitudes…….
Blessed Are the Second Hand Car Salesmen,
For They Too Shall Inherit A Stimulatin’ Package.

PS. Yes, I may have a tight bum – that must be why there’s often a laying on of hands when I appear in public.

April 22, 2009 (JC Incarnate. $50,000 Chrissie cheques for everyone in the mail!)

‘Can I Just Say?

Some people have said I look like a dentist, that I talk like a dentist….and I make love like a dentist.

And I say:
When was the last time,
Your dentist sent you a cheque?

Oct 26, 2009 ( Chameleon! Rolling Stone Profile!)

As you know, appearances are so important, and much thought was given to how to dress The Rev Kev.  The following looks were tried:

1. KOUNTRY KEV – RM Williams came to the party, helping allude to my country boy b’ground. Plus the stylist said I looked great on a horse.

2. TOUGH KEV – All Leather.

3.COMPASSIONATE KEV – Dog collar plus halo, holding cute eight-year-old refugee kid.

4. KICKARSE KEV – Nike came to the party: Matt Giteau style T-shirt at a very reasonable $895, jockstrap by Hard Yakka.

5. KEV THE BIZ – Richo put me in touch with a very good tailor.

6. LAID BACK KOOL KEV – Polo shirt, summer strides, loafers – guitar.

…..So, zài jiàn to the stunning breadth of policies, passions - and outfits – that marked the (albeit ultimately tragic) Prime Ministership of our dear The Rev Kev…..

PREDICTION, PREDICTION, PREDICTION!

Julia will marry the Mousse Man – SOON!

****Breaking news (Daily Telegraph)

‘And as for the question on many lips – prospects of a prime ministerial wedding – Mr Mathieson cheerfully said time would tell.

We haven’t talked about anything more than being spouses at this stage. Wait and see, I guess.

*Dear oh dear, Mr Mousse Man I have news for you. The definition of spouse is….either partner in a MARRIAGE.

Just click on the ‘comment’ thingo and follow the simple instructions. The place to write your gems is at the bottom of the last published comment. *A little bit of counsel for people new to this caper. Your email (just called ‘mail’ in this case) address does NOT come up on site. And just ignore the URL thingo.

Made it!  I’m safe and well after Australia’s most dangerous (by far) 48-hour period, Christmas and Boxing Days.

And Gwennie has just issued her traditional December 27th orders:  Everyone just settle down now…..just settle.

Still, it gives me great pleasure to quote one of our Christmas attendees:

‘It was good this year, nothing went wrong.’

May I suggest though that ‘nothing went wrong’ because the more mature members of the family kept calm NO MATTER WHAT THE PROVOCATION.

Would you believe there’s a small, vocal sect operating within my family that votes National Party? How that happened when the biggest crop we’ve ever produced is two lousy petunias and a handful of chives I’ll NEVER know.

Gwennie is equally perplexed:  It’s not as if they didn’t have a good start in life, it’s not as if idiocy runs in the family…

Anyway, our National Party sect members were very upbeat about recent events in Canberra: Colonel Ab Doman and Barney Google are in business so watch out! 

Gwennie (who’s now so deaf we’re communicating with Scrabble tiles):

What are those crazy NATS on about…..just what are they sayin’ NOW…..?

‘THEY ARE SAYING THAT WITH THE CHANGING OF THEIR SECT’S GUARD WE’D ALL BETTER WATCH OUT!!!’

Gwennie looks at our sect members STRAIGHT on: It’s NOT as if idiocy runs in the family…..

Silence. Similar cycle repeated in 10 minutes and every 10 minutes thereafter.

*I must say that Leeton’s been very quiet since good rain fell on Christmas eve. There’s nothing to whinge about.

However, many National Party sect members are SO programmed they remain on whinge cruise control. In churches and at Woolies you still hear:

If it doesn’t rain soon, we’ll have to eat the children. It’s THAT bad… 

Acquaintance:  But Kevin, it HAS rained.

Kevin: It’s just gotta rain or I’ll go stark raving mad (again).

Acquaintance: See ya Kevin.  And you and Trish enjoy that round-the-world trip EVERYONE knows is compliments of drought assistance…..

That’s it for now. Off to have a little lie down.  Hang on. Forgot to tell you. Everybody VERY surprised when a newborn turned up this Christmas. First baby in our family for 30 years BREAKING  what I thought was a tacit agreement: NO more procreation/ NO more trouble. Oh well, at least someone’s flying the flag for a sensual life…..

**So as we zoom towards another year, hope everything’s okay in your neck of the woods. Report in if you feel up to it – of course ya do!!

 All posters take a deep breath…..and just click on the ‘comment’ thingo and follow the simple instructions. The place to write your gems is at the bottom of the last published comment. *A little bit of counsel for people new to this caper. Your email (just called ‘mail’ in this case) address does NOT come up on site. And just ignore the URL thingo – just ignore it.